Obstacles

I need your opinion on something. Though I know, that finally, only I can find the right answer, you can help me.  I was kind of shocked this weekend, because completely unexpected thing happened. Andrew ( husband that I considered to be almost ex husband as we decided that we won’t be together long time ago) said something stunning. He said (quote): “You are my soulmate and I want for us to be together”. So short sentence and so powerful.

Short update. I was going to move out in the next couple of month and it was completely decided thing for me because he didn’t want to work on our relationship,  he didn’t see us together and I didn’t want to agree on what we had. We lived like friends or rather half-strangers for months and I’ve been feeling single most of the time.

And now he wants to try. He wants to fix it. I won’t lie to you, on the one hand, it would be much easier because I still love him at some point. And I miss this feeling being a team. Having somebody to come home to. I miss us. But on the other hand, I know how hard it gets between us. I know how easy he can become angry over something stupid.

I feel like I owe him to try. I owe myself to try. But I’m so tired of how hard our relationship was on me, how hard it was on us both. I just want to enjoy every day and appreciate simple things that make me feel alive.

A lot of “wise” people say that world around us is just a reflection on what we have inside. I’ve changed a lot over last year, maybe it can be different between us?

Anyway, I decided that no matter what will happen between me and Andrew I won’t let myself to lose this feeling that I have now. I just feel good and I know that it’s up to me how to react on everything that happens. It’s my choice what to feel every morning when I wake up. And how to go through my day.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin–real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.– Alfred D. Souza

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.
 —Lucy Maud Montgomery

 

Sounds so simple…

Feeling this moment. Being in this moment. Sounds so simple…

Enjoying every bit of life, ignoring negative sides, concentrating on positives. Feeling fulfilled, happy, balanced,  harmonious. Noticing all beautiful things around, that nobody notices, creating own beautiful world from nothing. Being strong no matter what. Saying that life is beautiful even if everything is falling apart. And meaning it. With all your heart. Feeling connection with everything. Seeing God every day. All little sighs of his presence. Doing everything you can for making world brighter place. Helping those who feel down. Noticing when somebody can use your help and doing it. Living every day like possibly last. Connecting to people. Knowing that your life changed life of others to better. Living it. Living your life. Sounds so simple…

Moving forward

It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging.  Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.

I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart.  I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like  to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.

There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan,  he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).

And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern.  Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all.  Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…

Automatic fears

Tomorrow is my first day on the new job. Yes, I found a job :). It should be interesting and challenging at the same time. I need to stay in IT field for a while (I have no idea how long it will be), but I have very interesting project, so I’m looking forward to it.

Why are there so many fears connected to first day on the new job? Like what if I’m not good match for the job? What if people there won’t accept me as a part of their group? Or what if I don’t like them?

But I was always really good at what I’m doing, so why should it be any different? I never had problems with finding something in common with people and connecting to them.. I can’t say that I’m nervous, I’m confident in my abilities, but still I feel a bit anxious. If I think deep about those fears they doesn’t make any sense. What is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing serious obviously.

It maybe just an automatic mechanism that protects us from stupid changes. Like when you delete file on a computer it asks if you really want it, same here. I wonder if I can reach completely calm state of mind. There should be a way.

Are you usually calm in such kind of situations? If yes, how do you do it?

You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.

It’s official. An end to very challenging period of my life. Don’t take me wrong I love challenges, but I don’t like losing my balance and I certainly didn’t expect everything that happened. The worst thing about it was losing  control over my life, crises in almost all areas (except health), broken heart, trust and faith in bright future (for some time).

Positive consequences/realizations:

• I figured out what was wrong with all my love relationship in the past. It’s definitely huge;
• I finally realized what I should do with my professional life. It’s tricky to reach it, but I’m ready to work hard and I believe that I will get everything I need along the way;
• I appreciate much more everything I have in life and I don’t take for granted ability to provide for myself;
• I take responsibility for my life and I realize that everything I have has nothing to do with actions of others, if I happened to be in a hard situation I definitely did something for getting there;
• Everything is temporary. I never know what tomorrow brings and I’m learning to accept this. I’m also learning to live in a moment (make detailed plans on the other hand), appreciate things that I have even more, chances that I get and possibilities to make my life the way I want;
• I’ve learnt a lot about forgiveness;
• I realized that one can’t be happy if one lives only for his/her own sake. I never lived only for myself, but I didn’t know how deep this rule is;
• My past doesn’t define my future. There is always the possibility for positive change;
• Peace comes from within, it is useless to seek it elsewhere;
• Two people should be happy with their lives to be able to build healthy relationship;
• Love is not an emotion, it is so much more.

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~ Samuel Johnson

Man’s Search for Meaning

This is an except from “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl (part one “Experiences in a Concentration Camp”). It’s made a huge impact on me. That’s why I decided to share, maybe it will be “interesting” and useful to you.

God knows, I was not in the mood to give psychological explanations or to preach any sermons—to offer my comrades a kind of medical care of their souls. I was cold and hungry, irritable and tired, but I had to make the effort and use this unique opportunity. Encouragement was now more necessary than ever.
So I began by mentioning the most trivial of comforts first. I said that even in this Europe in the sixth winter of the Second World War, our situation was not the most terrible we could think of. I said that each of us had to ask himself what irreplaceable losses he had suffered up to then. I speculated that for most of them these losses had really been few. Whoever was still alive had reason for hope. Health, family, happiness, professional abilities, fortune, position in society—all these were things that could be achieved again or restored. After all, we still had all our bones intact. Whatever we had gone through could still be an asset to us in the future. And I quoted from Nietzsche: “Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker.” (That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.)
Then I spoke about the future. I said that to the impartial the future must seem hopeless. I agreed that each of us could guess for himself how small were his chances of survival. I told them that although there was still no typhus epidemic in the camp, I estimated my own chances at about one in twenty. But I also told them that, in spite of this, I had no intention of losing hope and giving up. For no man knew what the future would bring, much less the next hour. Even if we could not expect any sensational military events in the next few days, who knew better than we, with our experience of camps, how great chances sometimes opened up, quite suddenly, at least for the individual. For instance, one might be attached unexpectedly to a special group with exceptionally good working conditions—for this was the kind of thing which constituted the “luck” of the prisoner.
But I did not only talk of the future and the veil which was drawn over it. I also mentioned the past; all its joys, and how its light shone even in the present darkness. Again I quoted a poet—to avoid sounding like a preacher myself —who had written, “Was Du erlebst, kann keine Macht der Welt Dir rauben.” (What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you.) Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past; we have brought it into being. Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind.
Then I spoke of the many opportunities of giving life a meaning. I told my comrades (who lay motionless, although occasionally a sigh could be heard) that human life, under any circumstances, never ceases to have a meaning, and that this infinite meaning of life includes suffering and dying, privation and death. I asked the poor creatures who listened to me attentively in the darkness of the hut to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but should keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of Experiences in a Concentration Camp 91 us in difficult hours—a friend, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God—and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly—not miserably—knowing how to die.
And finally I spoke of our sacrifice, which had meaning in every case. It was in the nature of this sacrifice that it should appear to be pointless in the normal world, the world of material success. But in reality our sacrifice did have a meaning. Those of us who had any religious faith, I said frankly, could understand without difficulty. I told them of a comrade who on his arrival in camp had tried to make a pact with Heaven that his suffering and death should save the human being he loved from a painful end. For this man, suffering and death were meaningful; his was a sacrifice of the deepest significance. He did not want to die for nothing. None of us wanted that.
The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to thank me with tears in their eyes.

Taking things for granted

During all this week my water heater was behaving very strange. It was turning off every couple of minutes, sometimes even more often. So all my showers were very fast and half cold (often I needed to go to the kitchen to turn heater in the middle of shower :)). Today landlord finally got it fixed and I could enjoy hot shower as long as I want. I don’t remember appreciating it so much for a long time. It’s so amazing to take a shower and don’t worry about anything… But a weak ago, when I had no problems with hot water I would take it for granted. So the bottom line is – it would be great if we could appreciate more simple everyday things that we have…  I’m going to try!

One definition of love…

Love is difficult to define, and there maybe different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the other’s happiness of another individual. ~Howard Cutler

How many of us think that when they find love they will find something for themselves, like happiness, harmony, somebody will make our life complete, fill “hole” inside, save us from loneliness through giving Us attention, kindness, affection, love, endearment. But actually main point of love is to give. Genuinely wish somebody happiness, to give all those things first of all. Love is not to take, but to give. So simple notion, but so deeply unknown…

The art of happiness

Excerpts from “The art of happiness” by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler.

Sometimes when I meet old friends, it reminds me how quickly time passes. And it makes me wonder if we’ve utilized our time properly or not. Proper utilization of time is so important. While we have this body, and especially this amazing human brain, I think every moment is something precious. Our day-to-day existence is very much alive with hope, although there is no guarantee of our future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow at this time we will be here. But still we are working for that purely on the basis of hope. So, we need to make the best use of our time. I believe that the proper utilization of time is this:  if you can, serve other people, other sentient beings. If not, at least refrain from harming them. I think that is the whole basis of my philosophy.

So, let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren’t born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities – warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful – happier.

*****

I think that this is the first time I am meeting most of you. But to me, whether it is an old friend or new friend, there’s not much difference anyway, because I always believe we are the same; we are all human beings. Of course, there may be differences in cultural background or way of life, there may be differences in our faith, or we may be of a different color, but we are human beings, consisting of the human body and the human mind. Our physical structure is the same, and our mind and our emotional nature are also the same. Wherever I meet people, I always have the feeling that I am encountering another human being, just like myself. I find it is much easier to communicate with others on that level. If we emphasize specific characteristics, like I am Tibetan or I am Buddhist, then there are differences. But those things are secondary. If we can leave the differences aside, I think we can easily communicate, exchange ideas, and share experiences.

*****

I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. We all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…

Moment

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. I couldn’t help noticing that usually happiness in momentary. Usually, we all are waiting for something.  To find person to share life with, to have children, to build career, for child first words, first steps, to find a job of our dreams, to buy a house, to travel, to retire and many many other things. And it looks like real life is passing by while we are waiting. Because life is today. Life is now. It’s exactly this moment. Maybe tomorrow will bring what we expect, maybe not. And who knows what is better after all. Can we see in perspective if it’s good or bad if things didn’t work out expected way?