Moving forward

It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging.  Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.

I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart.  I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like  to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.

There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan,  he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).

And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern.  Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all.  Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…

Half a year anniversary ))

Exactly half a year ago I’ve seen John last time. Everything that happened during this time had huge influence on me and I wouldn’t take it back, because today I’m different person and I really like who I am. Even more, now when I saw his “other” side, I can’t imagine myself with him, I’m happy that things didn’t go farther. But more I try to let go bad part between me and John, more I try to understand him, more good memories are popping up in my head… And I miss that guy that I knew. Today, when I came back home with Andrew I felt really great smell from kitchen. Last time when somebody cooked for us was last time when John was here. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, Andrew liked John a lot back then and we spent amazing time all together (actually we never bonded with somebody so easy and so great). That smell brought up all feelings from that time. It’s hard when memories come as feelings, because then it’s not so easy to cut it as thoughts. I remember exactly that day when John was cooking for us. His flight was canceled and he stayed with us 3 days more, can you imagine how happy I was? 3 days.. eternity… To feel him around, to feel safe and in love… to feel childish happiness :).

Anyway I wouldn’t start relationship with him again. I can forgive him, but I don’t see him as a man anymore. Weird thing is.. that I want to help him. I was reading one book recently where author said that 40-42 years is very dangerous period and if person is truly unhappy it can lead to serious illness and even death. I could just leave it without attention, but this book came to me in right place in right time and a lot of things that were written there were connected to my unique life circumstances.  And even more, couple of months ago John was seriously sick and doctors said that if he called an ambulance couple of minutes later he would die. And now his wife got into car accident and was seriously injured. To be honest, I don’t believe in accidents, so it made me think about all of this. But you really can’t help somebody if he doesn’t want to help himself.

Actually I got a letter from him recently, he says that he is trying to concentrate on business as much as possible and it helps him not to think about what he needs to be happy… But a lot of “wise” people say that one can’t be successful in business, if he is not successful in life. Personally, I don’t believe that one can “freeze” all personal problems,  and reach goals in own business, because this mess will follow him/her everywhere, it’s inside of person. But we’ll see how story goes.

The shadow of your smell

I felt your smell today, out of the blue. Suddenly, I’ve got felling that you are around me. I felt like when we were together. I miss this feeling so much. For some reason, today I need you more than for a long time… And of course you have nothing to do with my life now. I can’t call you, I can’t even write you an email… I can’t connect with you at all… You are stranger.. You are nobody.. You’ve chosen to be one.. Who could think, that you can leave me behind so easy.. Isn’t it funny?
I’m still lost..

A girl from the bus

Today I had great evening with a girl that I met in the bus :). We met some time ago, she just started talking to me, I talked back, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet. I love meeting new people and usually I’m the one who talks to people first, so it was a very pleasant surprise for me. I always was wondering, why if somebody somehow is interesting for us we can’t just show our interest to unknown people because it’s something that “normal” people don’t do. Usually everybody just concentrated on own problems and is not suppose even to look at peoples faces more than one second because it can be misunderstood as rudeness or aggression.

So, we met today. Almost from very beginning I noticed that she was worried about something. I asked how was her day and she said: “it was confusing, there are some things that I need to understand but I just can’t”. I asked her if she wants to talk about it, she refused, and despite I was very curious and felt that she could use good conversation at that moment, I need to respect her personal space and I switched subject to usual getting to know routine.  We went to drink coffee, we have this amazing places with different kinds of coffee and tea, including various mixes coffee with alcohol. There was some weirdness of strangers talk between us, but I was fascinated by process of getting to know her and listening to her view of things. I love active listening, they say that every person most of all likes talking about himself/herself, but for me it looks like I’m more interested in listening, observing, letting person to say what he/she needs to say. It’s really a pleasure for me. Of course only if person is interesting for me somehow, though I understand that everybody has something special. So, I even didn’t notice how she started telling me what is bothering her. It’s amazing how people can become opened and I love this moment when you feel that they trust you. Her problem was concerning her boyfriend. She told me it quite detailed and while I was listening I saw exactly my story with my almost ex-husband on the beginning of our relationship. And for a moment I saw everything what is going on with her so clear, that I barely could stop myself from giving her advice. Part of me wanted to save her, part of me thought that I know what she is going through. But! I have no right to think even for a moment that I know her and her situation. It’s my experience and it has nothing to do with her. So, I just asked her questions that somebody had to ask me couple of years ago. If it helps her to understand what she wants, what she needs, I will be very happy. If not, I can do nothing about it, because everybody has own life and I have no right to pretend that I know what is better.

On my way home, when I was thinking about our meeting, I noticed that I know some things about her and she knows almost nothing about me. And I’m glad, it means that I was a good listener.  It’s not easy to find somebody who wants to listen to what we have to say and I’m happy that she found one.

For some reason, when I usually come back home from meeting with someone I feel more strong that I miss John. Maybe it’s because I still want to share with him my experiences as I used to do… Maybe because I feel more lonely.. I’m wondering what he is doing right now, if he can feel something.. We had this weird thing, we could feel each other without any communication, for example, I could have hair standing on ends a second before he called without knowing that he was going to..

p.s. also today when i was buying a wine I was asked for my id :). I didn’t have an id but I’ve managed to get a wine. Cheers :)

Miss you…

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”. ~Germaine Greer

I miss you.. I have doubts if it was right to tell you that you shouldn’t call me this weekend. That we shouldn’t talk at all… we are done. I feel sorry that I hurt you when I told that we are nobody to each other… and it was your choice.. I feel for you.. I know that it’s stupid, but I feel your pain and want to help. I know that you have nobody to talk to, you have nobody who can really listen and care deeply. You are alone, despite all people around you. And I want to help as always… But I won’t :(. Thanks God I didn’t lose my mind completely.

I miss you like crazy

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Despite everything that happened and is happening now, I miss you like crazy… I miss you thousand times per day and I’m tired of it. I miss the sound of your voice, your voice gently whispering and humming,  humming words of love to me. I miss the way you loved me, wanted me, held me, the way you touched my skin… I miss the way you looked at me… like I’m most perfect creature on planet earth.. like I’m most wanted and like I’m your most desirable dream that finally came true.. like I’m miracle… Shit! You couldn’t live a day without me, what happened to that? You couldn’t fall asleep without imagining hugging me… You couldn’t stand if I was not in a mood for saying that I love you.. You couldn’t sleep if I had doubts about us, because you couldn’t imagine your life without me… or when I was with you, because you wanted to enjoy every minute being around me… You said I was your ray of hope, your sunshine, your happiness, your freedom… When I disappeared even for one day, you got insane, you couldn’t do anything.. You flew 1300 km every 2 weeks to be with me and to be apart from me was hardest thing for you. Was it real? Was it a lie? Was it a dream?

Miss you like crazy :(

Your **********