I feel empty today and scared. I found out that my aunt in-law is dying. She is great. She is from kind of thinking people, kind of people that question patterns. She is very special. It’s hard to get how somebody can be real like me, be a part of visible world, live, breathe and then disappear. Such moments remind that nothing is certain. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings and safety is delusional. Of course we can believe that soul lives for eternity, but unknown is always the most scary part. I wish I could help her somehow. I wish I could save her. At least save her from pain.. It’s hard to get how I can feel so okay physically when she is suffering… How can I function as always.. Just breathe as always… eat.. drink.. move… feel.. For her everything is different. All my problems are so miser, so insignificant… How can I care about such stupid things as leak of desirable job or absence of person to share my life with if I have possibility to change it every moment.. I breathe, I function.. I have this moment. Shit… I hope from all my heart she will be happy. She deserves all the best…
I want you to know
one thing.You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine
“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”. ~Germaine Greer
I miss you.. I have doubts if it was right to tell you that you shouldn’t call me this weekend. That we shouldn’t talk at all… we are done. I feel sorry that I hurt you when I told that we are nobody to each other… and it was your choice.. I feel for you.. I know that it’s stupid, but I feel your pain and want to help. I know that you have nobody to talk to, you have nobody who can really listen and care deeply. You are alone, despite all people around you. And I want to help as always… But I won’t :(. Thanks God I didn’t lose my mind completely.
I understand that person that I loved doesn’t exist. I saw what I wanted to see in John. Of course not without his help, but still. On the other hand I understand that this person in my head was real for me. And i lost him, he is gone for good. So, no reason to hope that tomorrow I will get call or letter from him with words of eternal love and beg for forgiveness. I should stop feeling butterflies in my stomach when I get new letter or when my phone rings… I should stop subtracting one hour from my time when I check my watch (we have difference in one hour in GMT) and think what he is doing. Of course, I wouldn’t go for it again if he would call, though some part of me still wants to get this call. But it’s impossible because I will never speak to this man that I loved once. He is gone!.. No way back.. Now I need to explain it to my heart…
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay
Despite everything that happened and is happening now, I miss you like crazy… I miss you thousand times per day and I’m tired of it. I miss the sound of your voice, your voice gently whispering and humming, humming words of love to me. I miss the way you loved me, wanted me, held me, the way you touched my skin… I miss the way you looked at me… like I’m most perfect creature on planet earth.. like I’m most wanted and like I’m your most desirable dream that finally came true.. like I’m miracle… Shit! You couldn’t live a day without me, what happened to that? You couldn’t fall asleep without imagining hugging me… You couldn’t stand if I was not in a mood for saying that I love you.. You couldn’t sleep if I had doubts about us, because you couldn’t imagine your life without me… or when I was with you, because you wanted to enjoy every minute being around me… You said I was your ray of hope, your sunshine, your happiness, your freedom… When I disappeared even for one day, you got insane, you couldn’t do anything.. You flew 1300 km every 2 weeks to be with me and to be apart from me was hardest thing for you. Was it real? Was it a lie? Was it a dream?
Miss you like crazy :(
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
Write, for instance: “The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.”
The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?
I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don’t have her. To feel that I’ve lost her.
To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.
What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.