If



If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master;
If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And — which is more — you’ll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Pablo Neruda

A girl from the bus

Today I had great evening with a girl that I met in the bus :). We met some time ago, she just started talking to me, I talked back, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet. I love meeting new people and usually I’m the one who talks to people first, so it was a very pleasant surprise for me. I always was wondering, why if somebody somehow is interesting for us we can’t just show our interest to unknown people because it’s something that “normal” people don’t do. Usually everybody just concentrated on own problems and is not suppose even to look at peoples faces more than one second because it can be misunderstood as rudeness or aggression.

So, we met today. Almost from very beginning I noticed that she was worried about something. I asked how was her day and she said: “it was confusing, there are some things that I need to understand but I just can’t”. I asked her if she wants to talk about it, she refused, and despite I was very curious and felt that she could use good conversation at that moment, I need to respect her personal space and I switched subject to usual getting to know routine.  We went to drink coffee, we have this amazing places with different kinds of coffee and tea, including various mixes coffee with alcohol. There was some weirdness of strangers talk between us, but I was fascinated by process of getting to know her and listening to her view of things. I love active listening, they say that every person most of all likes talking about himself/herself, but for me it looks like I’m more interested in listening, observing, letting person to say what he/she needs to say. It’s really a pleasure for me. Of course only if person is interesting for me somehow, though I understand that everybody has something special. So, I even didn’t notice how she started telling me what is bothering her. It’s amazing how people can become opened and I love this moment when you feel that they trust you. Her problem was concerning her boyfriend. She told me it quite detailed and while I was listening I saw exactly my story with my almost ex-husband on the beginning of our relationship. And for a moment I saw everything what is going on with her so clear, that I barely could stop myself from giving her advice. Part of me wanted to save her, part of me thought that I know what she is going through. But! I have no right to think even for a moment that I know her and her situation. It’s my experience and it has nothing to do with her. So, I just asked her questions that somebody had to ask me couple of years ago. If it helps her to understand what she wants, what she needs, I will be very happy. If not, I can do nothing about it, because everybody has own life and I have no right to pretend that I know what is better.

On my way home, when I was thinking about our meeting, I noticed that I know some things about her and she knows almost nothing about me. And I’m glad, it means that I was a good listener.  It’s not easy to find somebody who wants to listen to what we have to say and I’m happy that she found one.

For some reason, when I usually come back home from meeting with someone I feel more strong that I miss John. Maybe it’s because I still want to share with him my experiences as I used to do… Maybe because I feel more lonely.. I’m wondering what he is doing right now, if he can feel something.. We had this weird thing, we could feel each other without any communication, for example, I could have hair standing on ends a second before he called without knowing that he was going to..

p.s. also today when i was buying a wine I was asked for my id :). I didn’t have an id but I’ve managed to get a wine. Cheers :)

The sun is shining, the birds are singing

Today I had one of those days when you glad that it’s over. Today I was completely frustrated. Here is what happened.

I found out that I need to come to one of Schengen’s area country at 20-21 of September. Don’t ask me why, but it’s really really important for me and it’s not for fun purposes. So, till 20th of September I have 11 days. Normally, you would book your flight and room at local hotel and it would be enough. But here I need to apply for tourist visa and for doing that I need a lot of papers.

One of them is from tax department. It’s a paper that says that I have income higher than average (in other case no chances to get visa even if someone wants to pay for my trip, they say, how did you get money for trip if your salary is average, nobody cares, maybe I was saving for 10 years or my grandma died and left me a lot of money).  I’m currently self-employed, every 3 months I go to tax department and register my income. So they have all information they need. Sounds pretty easy to get this tax paper by my tax id, through making simple request to database they should be able to have all information. But no! They need TWO WEEKS for doing that. Can you imagine? They just don’t have database, they prefer keep a lot of actual papers in millions of folders like they probably did also 100 years ago. After long tries to explain that I really really need it asap, bored woman with annoyed face told that I can check maybe it will be ready in a week. No chances to pay extra for making it go fast. One chance for speeding it up, to find some connections in tax department, but I don’t have one.

In addition to that after applying for visa I need to wait around 10 days for embassy to approve my application (btw  apply I can only in town that in 600 km from here, 16!!! hours by our train to get there), so no chances to make it happen in time. Also as I have been told today if I apply for 2 days visa probability of my request rejection is high, because they will say that it’s weird that I want to go there only for 2 days, that something is wrong with my intentions. So I need to book a tour.  Among other documents for applying is bank account that proves that I have 120 euro per day for being there (even when you paid for tour already). Let’s say you want be there for 10 days, then you need 1200 euro per person. With average salary here in 180 euro per month, it’s pretty cruel, isn’t it? On the other hand, good thing is that I have already previous visas in my passport, in other case even with all documents gathered carefully I would have very high chances for rejection, tourist agencies say that with blank passport you have very high chances to fail this year.

And you know what? After all day of running between tourist agencies and tax department I found, that water at home is currently cut off. Actually we have no central supplied hot water for years, we use personal heating devices because of that, but now they also started to cut off even cold water EVERY day by random schedule.

If somebody tells me now that it’s normal country – I’ll bite you.

Sonnet XVII

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda

Miss you…

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”. ~Germaine Greer

I miss you.. I have doubts if it was right to tell you that you shouldn’t call me this weekend. That we shouldn’t talk at all… we are done. I feel sorry that I hurt you when I told that we are nobody to each other… and it was your choice.. I feel for you.. I know that it’s stupid, but I feel your pain and want to help. I know that you have nobody to talk to, you have nobody who can really listen and care deeply. You are alone, despite all people around you. And I want to help as always… But I won’t :(. Thanks God I didn’t lose my mind completely.

Wait for me, and I’ll come back!

to Valentina Serova

Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait with all you’ve got!
Wait, when dreary yellow rains
Tell you, you should not.
Wait when snow is falling fast,
Wait when summer’s hot,
Wait when yesterdays are past,
Others are forgot.
Wait, when from that far-off place,
Letters don’t arrive.
Wait, when those with whom you wait
Doubt if I’m alive.Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait in patience yet
When they tell you off by heart
That you should forget.
Even when my dearest ones
Say that I am lost,
Even when my friends give up,
Sit and count the cost,
Drink a glass of bitter wine
To the fallen friend –
Wait! And do not drink with them!
Wait until the end!

Wait for me and I’ll come back,
Dodging every fate!
“What a bit of luck!” they’ll say,
Those that would not wait.
They will never understand
How amidst the strife,
By your waiting for me, dear,
You had saved my life.
Only you and I will know
How you got me through.
Simply – you knew how to wait –
No one else but you.

1941

Konstantin Simonov