I feel empty today and scared. I found out that my aunt in-law is dying. She is great. She is from kind of thinking people, kind of people that question patterns. She is very special. It’s hard to get how somebody can be real like me, be a part of visible world, live, breathe and then disappear. Such moments remind that nothing is certain. Nobody knows what tomorrow brings and safety is delusional. Of course we can believe that soul lives for eternity, but unknown is always the most scary part. I wish I could help her somehow. I wish I could save her. At least save her from pain.. It’s hard to get how I can feel so okay physically when she is suffering… How can I function as always.. Just breathe as always… eat.. drink.. move… feel.. For her everything is different. All my problems are so miser, so insignificant… How can I care about such stupid things as leak of desirable job or absence of person to share my life with if I have possibility to change it every moment.. I breathe, I function.. I have this moment. Shit… I hope from all my heart she will be happy. She deserves all the best…
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay
Despite everything that happened and is happening now, I miss you like crazy… I miss you thousand times per day and I’m tired of it. I miss the sound of your voice, your voice gently whispering and humming, humming words of love to me. I miss the way you loved me, wanted me, held me, the way you touched my skin… I miss the way you looked at me… like I’m most perfect creature on planet earth.. like I’m most wanted and like I’m your most desirable dream that finally came true.. like I’m miracle… Shit! You couldn’t live a day without me, what happened to that? You couldn’t fall asleep without imagining hugging me… You couldn’t stand if I was not in a mood for saying that I love you.. You couldn’t sleep if I had doubts about us, because you couldn’t imagine your life without me… or when I was with you, because you wanted to enjoy every minute being around me… You said I was your ray of hope, your sunshine, your happiness, your freedom… When I disappeared even for one day, you got insane, you couldn’t do anything.. You flew 1300 km every 2 weeks to be with me and to be apart from me was hardest thing for you. Was it real? Was it a lie? Was it a dream?
Miss you like crazy :(
They say hope dies last. It’s so true. Why do I still hope that I will get a call or letter with something like “I tried to live without you but it’s impossible. I can’t enjoy anything, I don’t live, I exist. Every minute you are not in my life I’m in pain. Please forgive me. I will prove you with my actions that I will never give up on us anymore. I need you like I need air. I can’t breathe. Please let me be around you… Please give me chance to make you happy. It’s all I want, it’s all I need from life… You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life”.
My mind understands that it will never happen, but I can’t explain it to my heart.