One more goal

Mistakes are opportunities for learning. To condemn your brother for making mistakes is to pretend to be mistake free, which you are not. I have asked you before and I will ask you again: which one of you will throw the first stone?

You can release your brother from the judgment you would make of him within your own mind.  To release him is to love him, for it places him where love alone lies, beyond judgment of any kind. (Paul Ferrini)

I forgot to add very important goal to my list. The goal to forgive John for what he did. Actually this is very important one because without accomplishing  it I can’t really be in harmony with myself and surrounding.  Without it I can’t fully accept personal accountability for what I’m feeling. Everything I think, feel, say or do belongs to me. I am responsible for all of it (Paul Ferrini). Doesn’t matter what somebody does, I decide how I feel concerning it.  I don’t need to search for source of happiness in somebody, I won’t find it there. I can find it only inside. If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.

Yes, I can’t get how he could go for his goal so long, be so sure about it, involve other people, make promises, plans, finally make promise to himself (!) never ever give up and then just feel like not doing it. I think I can’t ever understand it, but actually I don’t need to do it. I need to accept. I need to accept that he is different. He couldn’t do better because of his previous life experiences, dispositions, instincts etc. I never was in his shoes,  how can I know how was it for John?  It’s not wise try to understand him through my eyes, using my standpoints, my principles.

I need to forgive John for myself.  I respect myself too much to live with  offense, hate or any negative feeling to him.  I want to move forward without this heavy burden. It’s time to take responsibility for my own feelings and let others be responsible  for themselves.

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, when you are ready to stop hurting for what someone else did. . . .

Forgiveness means changing the attitude of disappointment by canceling the expectations and allowing an attitude of unconditional love to flow out to yourself and to the person who disappointed you. You can only release yourself or another from one expectation at a time. We do this by changing the expectations into preferences. The preference states how we would have liked things to be. Forgiveness is a decision not to punish ourselves anymore for the wrongs of others or our own wrong doing. It is a decision to re-enter into the flow of life and love. (Edith Stauffer)

The way to myself

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. (Confucius)

My idea is not new, but it’s unique, because every single person is unique. I’m starting a project. Project that I call “the way to myself”. Destination – the ability to say that I love my life and it exactly the way i want it to be. To become a person that I want to be. So, for today I have:

• I’m healthy in general, though I have a cold at the moment ( on my opinion usually physical sickness means that something is wrong on mental level, so it will be automatically fixed after fixing some current problems); I appreciate my health a lot and this part of life is one of parts that I’m happy about;
• I’m living with my husband, we decided that it would be better for us to divorce approximately a half a year ago, now our relations in a weird state, there are some doubts about our previous decision, but still I think that we will end up separated;
• I have a broken heart. Approximately at same time when we decided to divorce I “met” a man (see previous posts), I fall in love in new way for me, it was very strong feeling, we planed future together, were very close, had a lot of special moments together, a lot of promises from his side, but finally he walked out on me. And the way he did it has made it even harder;
• I’m working at home, it’s very hard thing to do because: 1. we started partnership with same man that I mentioned above (John); 2. it’s hard for me to work at home. We had ideas for projects and I started one couple of months ago. It appeared that he can’t keep promises not only in personal life. He promised to get clients and so far we have zero. So i’m working without any inspiration and desire to work, but I need to finish this project, I don’t want to leave it on final stage (I believe that it’s almost finished);
• I’m trying to find a job abroad because I don’t want to live here. I have my reasons. Actually me and my “husband” has been searching for a way approximately 3 years, but all options so far didn’t work out; now I believe we about to do it, but it’s too soon to say;
• I have couple of very good friends that I love a lot. One of them lives far from me, I see him only once per year, but we talk every day. Another lives here, but since she got married she has not a lot of time for friendship, which is very sad, but it happens. One girlfriend that I considered good friend moved abroad and made me understand that she is not really interested in staying in touch.

Bottom line: there is some space for improving my life which I’m going to use. My goals:

• heal my heart;
• find a job which I will enjoy and love, that will help me to develop myself in an effective  way;
• move abroad (i consider couple of countries) and adapt;
• make final decision about our divorce, build relations with a man which will make me happy and who I will make happy back;
• find new friends, improve connection with old ones;
• start doing yoga again;
• be more harmonic with myself and world;
• learn to play saxophone;
• develop myself in psychology field (my hobby);
• make my English perfect (hate doing mistakes, but I’m learning all the time);
• go to psychologist (?).

It’s a short-term goals. When I reach them I will make long-term goals list.

Wish me luck :)!