The sight of the stars makes me dream…

I mentioned before (https://whiteeecrow.wordpress.com/2010/11/07/finally/) that I was about to refuse one of offers for “moving abroad”. But when we started talking with employee, everything got sorted out and we decided to proceed. So, in two weeks I should be there. Of course there are a lot of difficulties, for example I need to move out from apartment and with all my baggage go to another town where I need to pick up my visa and till that moment I don’t even know if it is issued :). No way to do it differently. And next day I already have a flight… So, if something goes wrong, it leaves me in another town, with all my baggage and without apartment. But you know what? I don’t care. I decided that in case some problems appear, I will just stay in that town or move to another one, anyway I have no reason to come back here (I wasn’t going to live here for long time).  I’m considering it like a small adventure. There is no reason to worry, because it won’t help, but it can take away part of my life where I can be happy.

I’m glad that soon I will start new period of my life, though old one was full of useful experiences, it wasn’t easy time and it connected to John in my mind as it started with him and because of his presence in my life.

I couldn’t imagine half a year ago that I’ll be standing where I’m now and will be so calm about all uncertainty that waits me ahead. But we can’t control everything. And without it life would be probably boring.

p.s. I would appreciate if you send me some positive energy “for luck” :)

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” ~Vincent van Gogh

Finally!

Next week is going to be exciting. I had two opportunities for moving abroad. One of them I lost about a month and half ago, another one was so real, that I was starting to believe that it’s going to happen this time :). But during all visa preparation (mainly gathering of information, documents) other side (company of employer) doesn’t look serious at all, hasn’t been keeping agreements and I decided it’s too insane to lean on such people, so tomorrow I’m going to write that I’m refusing the offer. We’ll see what happens next.

After resolving all issues with the offer, I finally will be free to plan my future steps, not depending on anyone. It’s best thing ever. It’s one of the hardest things for me to depend on actions of somebody, to wait. Though I have been trying to move abroad for a couple of years now and I hoped for finally doing it now, I’m not disappointed. I believe I have better options ahead of me.

Last months have been really challenging. Aside my failed personal relationship with John, I lost my savings, again because of counting on him too much. It’s stupid to rely on somebody in all areas. Everyone is free and he/she can walk away every second and it’s ok. It’s a main point of freedom :). For same reason, I needed to work for some time at home. It’s another difficulty for me, because I need people around, I need actions, I’ve been feeling stuck here, like everything has stopped.

So, you can imagine how happy I’m! It’s finally going to change! After I deal with offer I mentioned I can start searching for a job here. I need to move to another town, but it’s not a problem. I can finally act! I haven’t decided exactly what job I want, but for some reason I believe that I will get my answer.

Have a great week!

Half a year anniversary ))

Exactly half a year ago I’ve seen John last time. Everything that happened during this time had huge influence on me and I wouldn’t take it back, because today I’m different person and I really like who I am. Even more, now when I saw his “other” side, I can’t imagine myself with him, I’m happy that things didn’t go farther. But more I try to let go bad part between me and John, more I try to understand him, more good memories are popping up in my head… And I miss that guy that I knew. Today, when I came back home with Andrew I felt really great smell from kitchen. Last time when somebody cooked for us was last time when John was here. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, Andrew liked John a lot back then and we spent amazing time all together (actually we never bonded with somebody so easy and so great). That smell brought up all feelings from that time. It’s hard when memories come as feelings, because then it’s not so easy to cut it as thoughts. I remember exactly that day when John was cooking for us. His flight was canceled and he stayed with us 3 days more, can you imagine how happy I was? 3 days.. eternity… To feel him around, to feel safe and in love… to feel childish happiness :).

Anyway I wouldn’t start relationship with him again. I can forgive him, but I don’t see him as a man anymore. Weird thing is.. that I want to help him. I was reading one book recently where author said that 40-42 years is very dangerous period and if person is truly unhappy it can lead to serious illness and even death. I could just leave it without attention, but this book came to me in right place in right time and a lot of things that were written there were connected to my unique life circumstances.  And even more, couple of months ago John was seriously sick and doctors said that if he called an ambulance couple of minutes later he would die. And now his wife got into car accident and was seriously injured. To be honest, I don’t believe in accidents, so it made me think about all of this. But you really can’t help somebody if he doesn’t want to help himself.

Actually I got a letter from him recently, he says that he is trying to concentrate on business as much as possible and it helps him not to think about what he needs to be happy… But a lot of “wise” people say that one can’t be successful in business, if he is not successful in life. Personally, I don’t believe that one can “freeze” all personal problems,  and reach goals in own business, because this mess will follow him/her everywhere, it’s inside of person. But we’ll see how story goes.

Forgiveness (Buddha)

The Buddha was sitting under a tree talking to his disciples when a man came and spit on his face. He wiped it off, and he asked the man, “What next? What do you want to say next?” The man was a little puzzled because he himself never expected that when you spit on somebody’s face, he will ask, “What next?” He had no such experience in his past.

He had insulted people and they had become angry and they had reacted. Or if they were cowards and weaklings, they had smiled, trying to bribe the man. But Buddha was like neither, he was not angry nor in any way offended, nor in any way cowardly. But just matter-of-factly he said, “What next?” There was no reaction on his part.

Buddha’s disciples became angry, they reacted. His closest disciple, Ananda, said, “This is too much, and we cannot tolerate it. He has to be punished for it. Otherwise everybody will start doing things like this.”

Buddha said, “You keep silent. He has not offended me, but you are offending me. He is new, a stranger. He must have heard from people something about me, that this man is an atheist, a dangerous man who is throwing people off their track, a revolutionary, a corrupter. And he may have formed some idea, a notion of me. He has not spit on me, he has spit on his notion. He has spit on his idea of me because he does not know me at all, so how can he spit on me?

“If you think on it deeply,” Buddha said, “he has spit on his own mind. I am not part of it, and I can see that this poor man must have something else to say because this is a way of saying something. Spitting is a way of saying something. There are moments when you feel that language is impotent: in deep love, in intense anger, in hate, in prayer. There are intense moments when language is impotent. Then you have to do something. When you are angry, intensely angry, you hit the person, you spit on him, you are saying something. I can understand him. He must have something more to say, that’s why I’m asking, “What next?”

The man was even more puzzled! And Buddha said to his disciples, “I am more offended by you because you know me, and you have lived for years with me, and still you react.”

Puzzled, confused, the man returned home. He could not sleep the whole night. When you see a Buddha, it is difficult, impossible to sleep again the way you used to sleep before. Again and again he was haunted by the experience. He could not explain it to himself, what had happened. He was trembling all over and perspiring. He had never come across such a man; he shattered his whole mind and his whole pattern, his whole past.

The next morning he was back there. He threw himself at Buddha’s feet. Buddha asked him again, “What next? This, too, is a way of saying something that cannot be said in language. When you come and touch my feet, you are saying something that cannot be said ordinarily, for which all words are a little narrow; it cannot be contained in them.” Buddha said, “Look, Ananda, this man is again here, he is saying something. This man is a man of deep emotions.”

The man looked at Buddha and said, “Forgive me for what I did yesterday.”

Buddha said, “Forgive? But I am not the same man to whom you did it. The Ganges goes on flowing, it is never the same Ganges again. Every man is a river. The man you spit upon is no longer here. I look just like him, but I am not the same, much has happened in these twenty-four hours! The river has flowed so much. So I cannot forgive you because I have no grudge against you.”

“And you also are new. I can see you are not the same man who came yesterday because that man was angry and he spit, whereas you are bowing at my feet, touching my feet. How can you be the same man? You are not the same man, so let us forget about it. Those two people, the man who spit and the man on whom he spit, both are no more. Come closer. Let us talk of something else.”

The shadow of your smell

I felt your smell today, out of the blue. Suddenly, I’ve got felling that you are around me. I felt like when we were together. I miss this feeling so much. For some reason, today I need you more than for a long time… And of course you have nothing to do with my life now. I can’t call you, I can’t even write you an email… I can’t connect with you at all… You are stranger.. You are nobody.. You’ve chosen to be one.. Who could think, that you can leave me behind so easy.. Isn’t it funny?
I’m still lost..

Miss you…

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate”. ~Germaine Greer

I miss you.. I have doubts if it was right to tell you that you shouldn’t call me this weekend. That we shouldn’t talk at all… we are done. I feel sorry that I hurt you when I told that we are nobody to each other… and it was your choice.. I feel for you.. I know that it’s stupid, but I feel your pain and want to help. I know that you have nobody to talk to, you have nobody who can really listen and care deeply. You are alone, despite all people around you. And I want to help as always… But I won’t :(. Thanks God I didn’t lose my mind completely.

Time waits for no men

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

One of my personal goals for now is  to learn how to live here, today, in this particular moment, feel it, seize it. There are always a part of past and a part of future in current moment of course. Concerning past, as for me, we should make conclusions and let it go, also keep pleasant memories for moments when we are down. A lot of people live in the past… Regrets, bad memories, guilt, anger… All those negative feelings make person miserable and ruining health, mental and physical. Some people always wait for something. They tell themselves that when something will happen in future – they will become happy. Then it happens and brings completely different feeling than was expected. After that they are waiting for something new. Again and again… Ask yourself, where are you now? Past? Future? Are you really enjoying your life right now? Past is gone, tomorrow may never happen… We have only this moment… Life is now.. Make the most of today…