Automatic fears

Tomorrow is my first day on the new job. Yes, I found a job :). It should be interesting and challenging at the same time. I need to stay in IT field for a while (I have no idea how long it will be), but I have very interesting project, so I’m looking forward to it.

Why are there so many fears connected to first day on the new job? Like what if I’m not good match for the job? What if people there won’t accept me as a part of their group? Or what if I don’t like them?

But I was always really good at what I’m doing, so why should it be any different? I never had problems with finding something in common with people and connecting to them.. I can’t say that I’m nervous, I’m confident in my abilities, but still I feel a bit anxious. If I think deep about those fears they doesn’t make any sense. What is the worst thing that can happen? Nothing serious obviously.

It maybe just an automatic mechanism that protects us from stupid changes. Like when you delete file on a computer it asks if you really want it, same here. I wonder if I can reach completely calm state of mind. There should be a way.

Are you usually calm in such kind of situations? If yes, how do you do it?


The way to myself

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. (Confucius)

My idea is not new, but it’s unique, because every single person is unique. I’m starting a project. Project that I call “the way to myself”. Destination – the ability to say that I love my life and it exactly the way i want it to be. To become a person that I want to be. So, for today I have:

  • I’m healthy in general, though I have a cold at the moment ( on my opinion usually physical sickness means that something is wrong on mental level, so it will be automatically fixed after fixing some current problems); I appreciate my health a lot and this part of life is one of parts that I’m happy about;
  • I’m living with my husband, we decided that it would be better for us to divorce approximately a half a year ago, now our relations in a weird state, there are some doubts about our previous decision, but still I think that we will end up separated;
  • I have a broken heart. Approximately at same time when we decided to divorce I “met” a man (see previous posts), I fall in love in new way for me, it was very strong feeling, we planed future together, were very close, had a lot of special moments together, a lot of promises from his side, but finally he walked out on me. And the way he did it has made it even harder;
  • I’m working at home, it’s very hard thing to do because: 1. we started partnership with same man that I mentioned above (John); 2. it’s hard for me to work at home. We had ideas for projects and I started one couple of months ago. It appeared that he can’t keep promises not only in personal life. He promised to get clients and so far we have zero. So i’m working without any inspiration and desire to work, but I need to finish this project, I don’t want to leave it on final stage (I believe that it’s almost finished);
  • I’m trying to find a job abroad because I don’t want to live here. I have my reasons. Actually me and my “husband” has been searching for a way approximately 3 years, but all options so far didn’t work out; now I believe we about to do it, but it’s too soon to say;
  • I have couple of very good friends that I love a lot. One of them lives far from me, I see him only once per year, but we talk every day. Another lives here, but since she got married she has not a lot of time for friendship, which is very sad, but it happens. One girlfriend that I considered good friend moved abroad and made me understand that she is not really interested in staying in touch.

Bottom line: there is some space for improving my life which I’m going to use. My goals:

  • heal my heart;
  • find a job which I will enjoy and love, that will help me to develop myself in an effective ¬†way;
  • move abroad (i consider couple of countries) and adapt;
  • make final decision about our divorce, build relations with a man which will make me happy and who I will make happy back;
  • find new friends, improve connection with old ones;
  • start doing yoga again;
  • be more harmonic with myself and world;
  • learn to play saxophone;
  • develop myself in psychology field (my hobby);
  • make my English perfect (hate doing mistakes, but I’m learning all the time);
  • go to psychologist (?).

It’s a short-term goals. When I reach them I will make long-term goals list.

Wish me luck :)!