Obstacles

I need your opinion on something. Though I know, that finally, only I can find the right answer, you can help me.  I was kind of shocked this weekend, because completely unexpected thing happened. Andrew ( husband that I considered to be almost ex husband as we decided that we won’t be together long time ago) said something stunning. He said (quote): “You are my soulmate and I want for us to be together”. So short sentence and so powerful.

Short update. I was going to move out in the next couple of month and it was completely decided thing for me because he didn’t want to work on our relationship,  he didn’t see us together and I didn’t want to agree on what we had. We lived like friends or rather half-strangers for months and I’ve been feeling single most of the time.

And now he wants to try. He wants to fix it. I won’t lie to you, on the one hand, it would be much easier because I still love him at some point. And I miss this feeling being a team. Having somebody to come home to. I miss us. But on the other hand, I know how hard it gets between us. I know how easy he can become angry over something stupid.

I feel like I owe him to try. I owe myself to try. But I’m so tired of how hard our relationship was on me, how hard it was on us both. I just want to enjoy every day and appreciate simple things that make me feel alive.

A lot of “wise” people say that world around us is just a reflection on what we have inside. I’ve changed a lot over last year, maybe it can be different between us?

Anyway, I decided that no matter what will happen between me and Andrew I won’t let myself to lose this feeling that I have now. I just feel good and I know that it’s up to me how to react on everything that happens. It’s my choice what to feel every morning when I wake up. And how to go through my day.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin–real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.– Alfred D. Souza

Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.
 —Lucy Maud Montgomery

 

Advertisements

Moment

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. I couldn’t help noticing that usually happiness in momentary. Usually, we all are waiting for something.  To find person to share life with, to have children, to build career, for child first words, first steps, to find a job of our dreams, to buy a house, to travel, to retire and many many other things. And it looks like real life is passing by while we are waiting. Because life is today. Life is now. It’s exactly this moment. Maybe tomorrow will bring what we expect, maybe not. And who knows what is better after all. Can we see in perspective if it’s good or bad if things didn’t work out expected way?

Sonnet XVII

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda

He is gone

I understand that person that I loved doesn’t exist. I saw what I wanted to see in John. Of course not without his help, but still. On the other hand I understand that this person in my head was real for me. And i lost him, he is gone for good. So, no reason to hope that tomorrow I will get call or letter from him with words of eternal love and beg for forgiveness. I should stop feeling butterflies in my stomach when I get new letter or when my phone rings… I should stop subtracting one hour from my time when I check my watch (we have difference in one hour in GMT) and think what he is doing. Of course, I wouldn’t go for it again if  he would call, though some part of me still wants to get this call. But it’s impossible because I will never speak to this man that I loved once. He is gone!.. No way back.. Now I need to explain it to my heart…

Something more…

If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been. (Robert H. Schuller)

There is a moment in every person’s life when he/she thinks that out there should be more for this person. That all forgotten dreams still alive inside and they are waiting to be come true… Something that was so important at some life point and was forgotten because of daily routine or because of “maturity”. This moment for some people is the moment when they become happy, when they find their way again. And those people are not afraid to make changes, to change everything because they know that it’s not so scary like it seems or even if it’s really scary at first, they know that there are much more important things than fear and if you allow your fears to guide you on a daily basis you won’t be ever person you want to be. And it’s worst thing ever… Other people just scared too much or they are “too mature, too grown up”. They have too many duties to follow childish dreams. They have no time for that. They scare to lose what they have even if it’s not what they want. I wish I could share with all those people the feeling when you reach something really important, something that your soul really needed but you were scared to go for it at first and you overcame it, when you face your fears and become yourself, when you proud of yourself, when you feel that everything is possible, when you feel powerful despite the fact that you are only human being… We have chosen almost everything what we have in our lives. We make our lives by ourself.. It’s so beautiful thing to realize…