Moving forward

It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging.  Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.

I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart.  I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like  to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.

There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan,  he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).

And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern.  Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all.  Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…


8 thoughts on “Moving forward

  1. jobo says:

    Congrats on the first few weeks at the new job! Time flies, doesn’t it? As for being okay alone…it is REALLY hard. I know. I understand it completely. it;ll come in time.

  2. Jaclyn Rae says:

    “I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…”

    I am right there with you on this one! Congrats on the new job and I wish you lots of love and joy as you strive to find balance :)

  3. Amy says:

    I can relate so much to this writing, whitecrow.
    We are social creatures, we all want to be accepted, and not rejected by any one. We want to feel fit in, and loved by others.
    When this happens, don’t struggle with yourself: “why do i need to feel accepted?”. This will lead you to a circle. Instead, observe your emotions: “where does the thought come from?”. Maybe, just maybe a part of you really needs love, and care. Nurture it. Heal it. Love it.

    I can see your such a perfectist, like myself. It can be good, and bad. I know you know what i mean. Putting ourselves down for silly mistakes doesn’t sound so strange does it? But this kind of thinking won’t help us at all. Use the mind to plan ahead for events. Mistakes then can be helpful and inspiring, since it will help us develop ourselves.

    I am also a dreamer. I tend to see the best in my partner, so your not alone. =P. In the eye of love, our partner is just perfect. We fail to see flaws and blemises in their character. It’s the beauty of love. We don’t see the partner for what he is. We are romantic. It really depends on how you see it. To me, love just makes everything possible and magical. He may not be as good; however, in your love, he is striving to be better, just for you. Together, you two will change each other, and change your world. True love to me is idealistic, yet reachable. As long as you believe in it, it endures through time and space.

    • whiteeecrow says:

      Thank you, Amy!
      Yes, sometimes I tend to concentrate on mistakes too much and miss my victories like something that suppose to be this way. But I’m making progress :).
      I’m completely lost in my love life now and decided just to stop searching for solutions, building potential outcomes and wait for things to be clearer with time. I can’t control everything, I’m still getting used to this part :).

  4. Shannon says:

    It sounds like you are doing wonderfully and adjusting. I always hate the adjustment part but it is a good thing on the other side.

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