It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging. Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.
I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart. I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.
There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan, he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).
And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern. Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all. Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…