Moving forward

It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging.  Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.

I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart.  I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like  to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.

There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan,  he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).

And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern.  Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all.  Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…

The sight of the stars makes me dream…

I mentioned before (https://whiteeecrow.wordpress.com/2010/11/07/finally/) that I was about to refuse one of offers for “moving abroad”. But when we started talking with employee, everything got sorted out and we decided to proceed. So, in two weeks I should be there. Of course there are a lot of difficulties, for example I need to move out from apartment and with all my baggage go to another town where I need to pick up my visa and till that moment I don’t even know if it is issued :). No way to do it differently. And next day I already have a flight… So, if something goes wrong, it leaves me in another town, with all my baggage and without apartment. But you know what? I don’t care. I decided that in case some problems appear, I will just stay in that town or move to another one, anyway I have no reason to come back here (I wasn’t going to live here for long time).  I’m considering it like a small adventure. There is no reason to worry, because it won’t help, but it can take away part of my life where I can be happy.

I’m glad that soon I will start new period of my life, though old one was full of useful experiences, it wasn’t easy time and it connected to John in my mind as it started with him and because of his presence in my life.

I couldn’t imagine half a year ago that I’ll be standing where I’m now and will be so calm about all uncertainty that waits me ahead. But we can’t control everything. And without it life would be probably boring.

p.s. I would appreciate if you send me some positive energy “for luck” :)

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” ~Vincent van Gogh

I Taught Myself to Live Simply

I taught myself to live simply and wisely,
to look at the sky and pray to God,
and to wander long before evening
to tire my superfluous worries.
When the burdocks rustle in the ravine
and the yellow-red rowanberry cluster droops
I compose happy verses
about life’s decay, decay and beauty.
I come back. The fluffy cat
licks my palm, purrs so sweetly
and the fire flares bright
on the saw-mill turret by the lake.
Only the cry of a stork landing on the roof
occasionally breaks the silence.
If you knock on my door
I may not even hear.

Anna Akhmatova

Finally!

Next week is going to be exciting. I had two opportunities for moving abroad. One of them I lost about a month and half ago, another one was so real, that I was starting to believe that it’s going to happen this time :). But during all visa preparation (mainly gathering of information, documents) other side (company of employer) doesn’t look serious at all, hasn’t been keeping agreements and I decided it’s too insane to lean on such people, so tomorrow I’m going to write that I’m refusing the offer. We’ll see what happens next.

After resolving all issues with the offer, I finally will be free to plan my future steps, not depending on anyone. It’s best thing ever. It’s one of the hardest things for me to depend on actions of somebody, to wait. Though I have been trying to move abroad for a couple of years now and I hoped for finally doing it now, I’m not disappointed. I believe I have better options ahead of me.

Last months have been really challenging. Aside my failed personal relationship with John, I lost my savings, again because of counting on him too much. It’s stupid to rely on somebody in all areas. Everyone is free and he/she can walk away every second and it’s ok. It’s a main point of freedom :). For same reason, I needed to work for some time at home. It’s another difficulty for me, because I need people around, I need actions, I’ve been feeling stuck here, like everything has stopped.

So, you can imagine how happy I’m! It’s finally going to change! After I deal with offer I mentioned I can start searching for a job here. I need to move to another town, but it’s not a problem. I can finally act! I haven’t decided exactly what job I want, but for some reason I believe that I will get my answer.

Have a great week!

To be or not to be?

I’ve been confused lately. More I think about my career, more I understand that I need to be psychologist. And if you take to consideration that I’m software developer, you will understand a root of my confusion.

I always was good at math, technical stuff and from early age I decided that I’m going to earn enough money for comfortable living – so I became a programmer. And to be honest, I’m quite good at programming, but I’m not passionate about it. I believe that to be a great at something you need to LOVE it. What I like about programming mostly that you are creating something from nothing, you can change it, make it as you see it, it’s like your child at some point. Programming is always challenging, it makes your brain work. But my problem is, I don’t see a lot of sense in technical progress. Of course it has a lot of benefits, but have people become happier, healthier? Ok, let’s say I will create a lot of wonderful programs, will it be really significant?!… Articles about finding your true calling say that you need to look at what you do in your free time. As soon as I leave work, I’m far from programming or reading about that. And if I want to be really good at it, I need to.

On the other hand, since I discovered psychology I have been passionate about it. I always was curious to get why I’m who I’m, why I behave in some way not another and why people around me do so. And more, I had couple of chances to help people with some deep problems (I’m not trying to play in psychologist, it was natural process) and I love this feeling, when you know that you make difference. Sometimes I feel so helpless when someone is suffering and I can’t do almost anything about it. Recently, when aunt of Andrew died, I wanted so much to be more helpful to his mother, who took it very hard, was depressed and lost…

What is making me think twice, I understand that psychology is very serious and responsible thing to practice. How can I know that I really have some natural skills to work in this field? It’s one thing to read books and try to use it in life, but to be psychologist is so much more. I’m very sensitive and compassionate to problems of others, will I be able to leave them at work? Will I be able to see positive things in every person and like everyone? Can I control my temper enough not to lose it in difficult situations?

For start, I decided to take child steps, try to get on deeper level. Then, if I want to change my career completely I need to study and work parallel, start everything from zero. It’s serious step to do. But isn’t it worth it? To do what you love and feel significant? Life is definitely short for doing something else.

Half a year anniversary ))

Exactly half a year ago I’ve seen John last time. Everything that happened during this time had huge influence on me and I wouldn’t take it back, because today I’m different person and I really like who I am. Even more, now when I saw his “other” side, I can’t imagine myself with him, I’m happy that things didn’t go farther. But more I try to let go bad part between me and John, more I try to understand him, more good memories are popping up in my head… And I miss that guy that I knew. Today, when I came back home with Andrew I felt really great smell from kitchen. Last time when somebody cooked for us was last time when John was here. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, Andrew liked John a lot back then and we spent amazing time all together (actually we never bonded with somebody so easy and so great). That smell brought up all feelings from that time. It’s hard when memories come as feelings, because then it’s not so easy to cut it as thoughts. I remember exactly that day when John was cooking for us. His flight was canceled and he stayed with us 3 days more, can you imagine how happy I was? 3 days.. eternity… To feel him around, to feel safe and in love… to feel childish happiness :).

Anyway I wouldn’t start relationship with him again. I can forgive him, but I don’t see him as a man anymore. Weird thing is.. that I want to help him. I was reading one book recently where author said that 40-42 years is very dangerous period and if person is truly unhappy it can lead to serious illness and even death. I could just leave it without attention, but this book came to me in right place in right time and a lot of things that were written there were connected to my unique life circumstances.  And even more, couple of months ago John was seriously sick and doctors said that if he called an ambulance couple of minutes later he would die. And now his wife got into car accident and was seriously injured. To be honest, I don’t believe in accidents, so it made me think about all of this. But you really can’t help somebody if he doesn’t want to help himself.

Actually I got a letter from him recently, he says that he is trying to concentrate on business as much as possible and it helps him not to think about what he needs to be happy… But a lot of “wise” people say that one can’t be successful in business, if he is not successful in life. Personally, I don’t believe that one can “freeze” all personal problems,  and reach goals in own business, because this mess will follow him/her everywhere, it’s inside of person. But we’ll see how story goes.

Midnight thoughts

I’m holding on to something that is not real. Why, should I ask myself. Obviously John is not the man I should pay attention to. Obviously he is not a Man. But when something happens in relationship both woman and man take a part. What was my role in that? What should I learn about myself? Maybe that I shouldn’t search for love in somebody. I should have it inside already. Deep love for life and myself. Of course I have it, but looks like not enough… All love that I need should be inside already?! Most likely. Then I can give it to others without expectations to get something back.

Just some thoughts inside my head after hard day. And I’m not drunk if you are wondering :).