Moving forward

It’s been a bit more than 3 weeks since I started my new job. It’s challenging.  Not only in professional meaning. There is so much I want to learn. There is so much I need to understand.

I love that I’m surrounded by very different people. And everyone has own specifics, own way to get to his/her heart.  I understood something new about myself… It’s important for me to get acceptance at work, at home. More than I would like  to. I’m very sensitive when somebody underestimates me. But why? I think it’s because I get not enough of self-approvement. I never thought it was an issue. I’m quite confident in myself, but I guess I need to be less critical and learn how to concentrate on my achievements more than on failures.
There is another side of my life now. I feel lonely. I know I need to learn how to live only with myself, but sometimes I need to share some moments with significant other.. I need to be touched, to touch, to be loved, to give love, to give attention and to get it. I want all those things that normal people want, but I know that I’m not ready yet.

There are three guys I like in my life now. One guy is from the states and he is definitely interested in me. But I don’t think that I’m in right place to start new relationship and I don’t think that it’s good idea to start it with him. He is really interesting though.. He’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan,  he is a writer. There are a lot about him I would like to know. I would like for us to be friends. But something tells me that it’s impossible :).

And about other two guys… I will be honest with you… I have a thing. When I don’t have relationship in my life, I can make up one. I can see a pattern.  Usually it’s unaccessible guys who I think about often and like to get small portion of attention and make something more out of it in my head. No harm, right? But the problem is that it appears they are not so unaccessible after all.  Story with John started from this kind of fantasy. And with Andrew also.. Problem here is that I’m “falling in love” with picture in my head. And when I start really get to know him I already can’t see clearly. I know cure from this sickness :). I promised myself that my next relationship will be very slow. And also I should not be so dependable of man that will be behind me. I should learn how to really be by myself and be complete.. To be independent and happy… To be balanced…

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Dancing in the rain

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

I’m back. I missed you all and I’m glad I have possibility to write again!

If you remember I was going to risk a bit for a sake of moving to another country. I was going to move out from my apartment, take all my stuff and go to another town for taking my visa without even knowing if it’s issued. Next day I was going to have a flight. But as always you never can predict all possible ways. Invitation that I needed for applying for visa didn’t came in time, it was sent by overnight express, but instead of getting here in 2 days it took 6 days :). It traveled almost all Europe and by tracking system after delivering to my country even came back to the previous country. How many more signs do I need :)? So, I let go this opportunity and stay here for a while.

I moved to another town, that’s why I was absent for a while. Here I have much better work and life opportunities. And I’m happy that I finally move forward, I’m happy that I moved out from the apartment where I have so much memories connected to John and where I was stuck for a while. I still need to live with Andrew because of money issues, but as soon as I get new job and have stable income nobody can stop me :).

I have some things to learn why I’m still living with him though. Like how not to be upset when he is aggressive and negative. Some while ago in such kind of situations I would join him and become aggressive myself, now I learned how to recognize first impulse to switch to this wave. It’s an amazing feeling when you stop and understand that there is no sense for arguing, when you stop emotions and see everything clearly. When you are emotional you see that you are right, that somebody is offending you and you need to fight for it, but when your mind is clear you see someones pain, and when this person is screaming at you, you see that he/she is in pain. That this person is hurting… And you see that topic of arguing is usually empty, it’s all about something different, deeper. And sometimes you just want to hug this person and say that everything is going to be alright, that I hear you.

But my problem is that I’m getting upset in such kind of situations and I would like to learn how to handle it better. Because if somebody is choosing to be negative, to be aggressive, why should I let myself down. It’s my life and if I choose to be happy today, I can do it. Everything is irrelevant. My problems, almost all everyday problems are stupid. They don’t worth even mentioning. Because tomorrow they won’t matter at all, they are small and insignificant. I read “Experiences in a Concentration Camp” by Viktor Frankl yesterday. Everyone should read this book in my opinion. Comparing to what he describes my problem of not having a job and living with person I don’t really want to live with is so stupid. Really. I can change my life every moment, I have so many possibilities to do it and all I need is time. I’m healthy, smart, young and free. What do I need more?

I know that tomorrow I may think different for some time and maybe I’ll be upset over something stupid, but it is direction to move to, it is something I want to reach. It’s a process, I get that. My goal is to be happy without depending on external circumstances, to be happy just because I have new brand day every morning and I’m alive.

Solitude

So many stones have been thrown at me,
That I’m not frightened of them anymore,
And the pit has become a solid tower,
Tall among tall towers.
I thank the builders,
May care and sadness pass them by.
From here I’ll see the sunrise earlier,
Here the sun’s last ray rejoices.
And into the windows of my room
The northern breezes often fly.
And from my hand a dove eats grains of wheat…
As for my unfinished page,
The Muse’s tawny hand, divinely calm
And delicate, will finish it.

June 6, 1914, Slepnyovo

Anna Akhmatova

I miss you like crazy

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Despite everything that happened and is happening now, I miss you like crazy… I miss you thousand times per day and I’m tired of it. I miss the sound of your voice, your voice gently whispering and humming,  humming words of love to me. I miss the way you loved me, wanted me, held me, the way you touched my skin… I miss the way you looked at me… like I’m most perfect creature on planet earth.. like I’m most wanted and like I’m your most desirable dream that finally came true.. like I’m miracle… Shit! You couldn’t live a day without me, what happened to that? You couldn’t fall asleep without imagining hugging me… You couldn’t stand if I was not in a mood for saying that I love you.. You couldn’t sleep if I had doubts about us, because you couldn’t imagine your life without me… or when I was with you, because you wanted to enjoy every minute being around me… You said I was your ray of hope, your sunshine, your happiness, your freedom… When I disappeared even for one day, you got insane, you couldn’t do anything.. You flew 1300 km every 2 weeks to be with me and to be apart from me was hardest thing for you. Was it real? Was it a lie? Was it a dream?

Miss you like crazy :(

Your **********

I do not love you except because I love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

How???

How did I get here? I have broken heart and broken marriage. And even more, first not because of second.

Some time ago I thought I will be married one time, I will find man of my dreams and spend happy long life with him. Where did it go? How did it happen? When I met my husband I was impressed how much in common we have, I never met person that could understand me so good. We started dating, I fell in love, at least I thought so… When we started living together it looked natural to me. Though I remember being disappointed in love in some sense. I expected more, but I thought that it’s only because I created something in my head that could never exist. I always was a dreamer and I thought I felt this way only because I needed finally to face a reality.  On the other hand, I needed him, I felt good around him. Then we got married, because it was logical step. After living with him 4 years, I understand that I was happier before him. So was he. And as for me, I don’t need anything else to define if we need to stay together or not. I’m not a person that can leave something so important in the middle. I tried a lot of times to make our family happy and I failed. One simple reason… For making family happy you need two people. And I was working alone. I talked to my husband many times about it and main answer that I got was that two people should just match, they should not change anything for being happy together. I believe that people should not change their life standpoints, their principles if they feel like keeping to them, but if one, for example, gets angry very easy and often, shouldn’t he change his behavior at least for himself?

Then I met John… We started talking and couldn’t stop. I never intended to have relations with him. He was far away, I had broken marriage… I didn’t need relations on that stage of my life. It appeared that John had unhappy marriage also. We were both very lonely and unhappy. We found in each other something that we couldn’t get anywhere… I fell in love..at least I thought so.. And finally I’m with broken heart. Alone… Lonely… I know that i need to see glass half full instead of empty, but now I can’t imagine trusting a man, after what happened with John… I can’t imagine even finding a man that will be right for me.

How people do it? How they find their “halves”? I don’t know even one really happy couple that lasted more than 2 years… But I know that somewhere should exist one.

Now I see love in different way. Love is not only strong physical and mental attraction. It’s not desire to share life together… It’s much more… It’s a feeling that growth from year to year, because of things that were overcame together, it’s admiration of each other because of seeing each other through life problems,  it’s strong desire to make each other happy that can’t die in 1 year, in 2, in 10… when people growth together, become more perfect, become better people because of each other… stronger, healthier, more spiritual… it’s when two people become one.. one team.. one heart.. and then it can’t be divided.. never……………..

Of course I can’t really define what is love… especially with words.. But it should be somewhere… Right?

Rain

Rain fell last night…quiet, gentle rain,
that tapped against my window pane,
and called me back from troubled sleep,
to soothe a heart too numb to weep.

My loneliness was too deep and real,
and like a wound that would not heal,
it throbbed within me, and I knew
my arms were empty without you.

But as I listened to the sound
of soft rain falling on the ground,
I heard your voice, tender and clear,
Call my name, and oh my dear,

I threw my window open wide,
to let the sweet rain rush inside.
It kissed my lips, my eyes, my hair,
and love, I knew that you were there.
Tears that my heart could not release
Fell down from Heaven, bringing peace.
Last night while gray clouds softly wept,
I held you in my arms and slept.

James Rowe