Hope dies last…

They say hope dies last. It’s so true. Why do I still hope that I will get a call or letter with something like “I tried to live without you but it’s impossible. I can’t enjoy anything, I don’t live, I exist. Every minute you are not in my life I’m in pain. Please forgive me. I will prove you with my actions that I will never give up on us anymore. I need you like I need air. I can’t breathe. Please let me be around you… Please give me chance to make you happy. It’s all I want, it’s all I need from life… You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life”.

My mind understands that it will never happen, but I can’t explain it to my heart.

Time waits for no men

The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it is called the present.

One of my personal goals for now is  to learn how to live here, today, in this particular moment, feel it, seize it. There are always a part of past and a part of future in current moment of course. Concerning past, as for me, we should make conclusions and let it go, also keep pleasant memories for moments when we are down. A lot of people live in the past… Regrets, bad memories, guilt, anger… All those negative feelings make person miserable and ruining health, mental and physical. Some people always wait for something. They tell themselves that when something will happen in future – they will become happy. Then it happens and brings completely different feeling than was expected. After that they are waiting for something new. Again and again… Ask yourself, where are you now? Past? Future? Are you really enjoying your life right now? Past is gone, tomorrow may never happen… We have only this moment… Life is now.. Make the most of today…

Ideal society

Today I had a chance to watch “Avatar”. What can i say? After such movies I usually feel that I don’t want belong to human race… For those who haven’t seen this movie, in two words, it’s about very deep living society that was strongly connected to nature, I would say was really twisted with nature and usual “human beings” that came to conquer land that didn’t belong to them, they didn’t care about beings that lived there, about their culture, they only wanted to get money… They started without any doubt destroying unbelievably harmonic system that existed hundreds of years.

It made me think again about ideal society. Is it possible to create one? Maybe it already existed or exists somewhere right now? Of course ideal things are utopian,  but maybe more or less we can reach something near to that.. Sometimes i think that i would be happy in some Indian tribe. Can you imagine living in harmony with nature, doing simple things, having a lot of time for your thoughts, no electricity, no internet, no tv etc.. ? Of course i understand, that there are a lot of disadvantages of such living, but it looks like this style of living is wiser.  I have feeling that we don’t understand nature deep enough. I’m sure that we can fulfill our internal spiritual energy using energy of water, sun, ground, wind, trees etc.. But we never really tried to do it… Progress is moving in money direction.. I’m sure that our existence by default suppose to be much deeper and possibility that we have to develop spiritually, come to another level of existence are very various and enormous… I hope that some day I will find out more about it and will be able to share the way to reach it..

New step

Today i realized one thing… He didn’t appreciate me the way i deserve. He didn’t value me enough. Because in other way he would never let me go. NEVER. And the fact that he is ready to live without me speaks for itself. Why do i still bother myself with pain concerning the fact that i lost him? Why do i behave so stupid? His actions said everything, why did i believe in empty words and why it is so hard to forget? The only thing that matters, what person shows with actions. Do words really matter if actions not follow them ?! So for now, i will try again to erase him completely from my mind, from my life. The person that i loved (still love?) doesn’t exist. Never existed in reality, only in my brain. It was only my dream, dream with sad ending…

Letting go

It’s already 2 months since i’m trying to move on. I can’t say that i’m hopeless, but i still can’t through him out of my head even for one hour… The thing is i don’t want to hate him… And more i try to understand and forgive him, more memories are popping up in my head… And harder it gets to forget about everything, don’t think about him… More i feel that i forgive him, more i feel that i still love him.. at least version of him that i knew before this mess. So, now i’ve got dilemma.  Looks like i have to choose to hate him or to love on this stage. And i have never hated before, i have no desire to carry this feeling with me because this way i will make worse to myself first of all… I need to kill all love related feelings also because he made his choice, he showed clearly that he can’t make it happen though he promised a lot of times that he will do everything for us being together… So, I’m confused…

Love?

Maybe it’s too pathetic to have first post about love.. but i have what i have… It’s my current stage and i think maybe getting this out of my head will help me to get it over with…

Have you ever been betrayed by person that you loved and who “loved” you? He/she told you that you are most important person in this world for him, that he will never hurt you, never let you go… That his love is bigger than Milky way, bigger than quantity of all drops of rain… And then in one moment he just gave up on doing things that had to be done for getting together.  He just decided to erase you from his life and even haven’t told about it. When you spoke with him in couple of months he said he almost got over it… Is it love? How can it be? You love person, you plan future together, he tells you that he is ready to die for you and then he just doesn’t feel strong enough to overcome some things that need to be solved..  Is it possible to love person and decide to give up on everything and after that be afraid to tell her? And just let her to be in uncertainty and suffer alone? Isn’t it stupid?