To be or not to be?

I’ve been confused lately. More I think about my career, more I understand that I need to be psychologist. And if you take to consideration that I’m software developer, you will understand a root of my confusion.

I always was good at math, technical stuff and from early age I decided that I’m going to earn enough money for comfortable living – so I became a programmer. And to be honest, I’m quite good at programming, but I’m not passionate about it. I believe that to be a great at something you need to LOVE it. What I like about programming mostly that you are creating something from nothing, you can change it, make it as you see it, it’s like your child at some point. Programming is always challenging, it makes your brain work. But my problem is, I don’t see a lot of sense in technical progress. Of course it has a lot of benefits, but have people become happier, healthier? Ok, let’s say I will create a lot of wonderful programs, will it be really significant?!… Articles about finding your true calling say that you need to look at what you do in your free time. As soon as I leave work, I’m far from programming or reading about that. And if I want to be really good at it, I need to.

On the other hand, since I discovered psychology I have been passionate about it. I always was curious to get why I’m who I’m, why I behave in some way not another and why people around me do so. And more, I had couple of chances to help people with some deep problems (I’m not trying to play in psychologist, it was natural process) and I love this feeling, when you know that you make difference. Sometimes I feel so helpless when someone is suffering and I can’t do almost anything about it. Recently, when aunt of Andrew died, I wanted so much to be more helpful to his mother, who took it very hard, was depressed and lost…

What is making me think twice, I understand that psychology is very serious and responsible thing to practice. How can I know that I really have some natural skills to work in this field? It’s one thing to read books and try to use it in life, but to be psychologist is so much more. I’m very sensitive and compassionate to problems of others, will I be able to leave them at work? Will I be able to see positive things in every person and like everyone? Can I control my temper enough not to lose it in difficult situations?

For start, I decided to take child steps, try to get on deeper level. Then, if I want to change my career completely I need to study and work parallel, start everything from zero. It’s serious step to do. But isn’t it worth it? To do what you love and feel significant? Life is definitely short for doing something else.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Pablo Neruda

Sonnet XVII

I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda

Wait for me, and I’ll come back!

to Valentina Serova

Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait with all you’ve got!
Wait, when dreary yellow rains
Tell you, you should not.
Wait when snow is falling fast,
Wait when summer’s hot,
Wait when yesterdays are past,
Others are forgot.
Wait, when from that far-off place,
Letters don’t arrive.
Wait, when those with whom you wait
Doubt if I’m alive.Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait in patience yet
When they tell you off by heart
That you should forget.
Even when my dearest ones
Say that I am lost,
Even when my friends give up,
Sit and count the cost,
Drink a glass of bitter wine
To the fallen friend –
Wait! And do not drink with them!
Wait until the end!

Wait for me and I’ll come back,
Dodging every fate!
“What a bit of luck!” they’ll say,
Those that would not wait.
They will never understand
How amidst the strife,
By your waiting for me, dear,
You had saved my life.
Only you and I will know
How you got me through.
Simply – you knew how to wait –
No one else but you.

1941

Konstantin Simonov

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is youhere is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings