How???

How did I get here? I have broken heart and broken marriage. And even more, first not because of second.

Some time ago I thought I will be married one time, I will find man of my dreams and spend happy long life with him. Where did it go? How did it happen? When I met my husband I was impressed how much in common we have, I never met person that could understand me so good. We started dating, I fell in love, at least I thought so… When we started living together it looked natural to me. Though I remember being disappointed in love in some sense. I expected more, but I thought that it’s only because I created something in my head that could never exist. I always was a dreamer and I thought I felt this way only because I needed finally to face a reality.  On the other hand, I needed him, I felt good around him. Then we got married, because it was logical step. After living with him 4 years, I understand that I was happier before him. So was he. And as for me, I don’t need anything else to define if we need to stay together or not. I’m not a person that can leave something so important in the middle. I tried a lot of times to make our family happy and I failed. One simple reason… For making family happy you need two people. And I was working alone. I talked to my husband many times about it and main answer that I got was that two people should just match, they should not change anything for being happy together. I believe that people should not change their life standpoints, their principles if they feel like keeping to them, but if one, for example, gets angry very easy and often, shouldn’t he change his behavior at least for himself?

Then I met John… We started talking and couldn’t stop. I never intended to have relations with him. He was far away, I had broken marriage… I didn’t need relations on that stage of my life. It appeared that John had unhappy marriage also. We were both very lonely and unhappy. We found in each other something that we couldn’t get anywhere… I fell in love..at least I thought so.. And finally I’m with broken heart. Alone… Lonely… I know that i need to see glass half full instead of empty, but now I can’t imagine trusting a man, after what happened with John… I can’t imagine even finding a man that will be right for me.

How people do it? How they find their “halves”? I don’t know even one really happy couple that lasted more than 2 years… But I know that somewhere should exist one.

Now I see love in different way. Love is not only strong physical and mental attraction. It’s not desire to share life together… It’s much more… It’s a feeling that growth from year to year, because of things that were overcame together, it’s admiration of each other because of seeing each other through life problems,  it’s strong desire to make each other happy that can’t die in 1 year, in 2, in 10… when people growth together, become more perfect, become better people because of each other… stronger, healthier, more spiritual… it’s when two people become one.. one team.. one heart.. and then it can’t be divided.. never……………..

Of course I can’t really define what is love… especially with words.. But it should be somewhere… Right?

The way to myself

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do. (Confucius)

My idea is not new, but it’s unique, because every single person is unique. I’m starting a project. Project that I call “the way to myself”. Destination – the ability to say that I love my life and it exactly the way i want it to be. To become a person that I want to be. So, for today I have:

  • I’m healthy in general, though I have a cold at the moment ( on my opinion usually physical sickness means that something is wrong on mental level, so it will be automatically fixed after fixing some current problems); I appreciate my health a lot and this part of life is one of parts that I’m happy about;
  • I’m living with my husband, we decided that it would be better for us to divorce approximately a half a year ago, now our relations in a weird state, there are some doubts about our previous decision, but still I think that we will end up separated;
  • I have a broken heart. Approximately at same time when we decided to divorce I “met” a man (see previous posts), I fall in love in new way for me, it was very strong feeling, we planed future together, were very close, had a lot of special moments together, a lot of promises from his side, but finally he walked out on me. And the way he did it has made it even harder;
  • I’m working at home, it’s very hard thing to do because: 1. we started partnership with same man that I mentioned above (John); 2. it’s hard for me to work at home. We had ideas for projects and I started one couple of months ago. It appeared that he can’t keep promises not only in personal life. He promised to get clients and so far we have zero. So i’m working without any inspiration and desire to work, but I need to finish this project, I don’t want to leave it on final stage (I believe that it’s almost finished);
  • I’m trying to find a job abroad because I don’t want to live here. I have my reasons. Actually me and my “husband” has been searching for a way approximately 3 years, but all options so far didn’t work out; now I believe we about to do it, but it’s too soon to say;
  • I have couple of very good friends that I love a lot. One of them lives far from me, I see him only once per year, but we talk every day. Another lives here, but since she got married she has not a lot of time for friendship, which is very sad, but it happens. One girlfriend that I considered good friend moved abroad and made me understand that she is not really interested in staying in touch.

Bottom line: there is some space for improving my life which I’m going to use. My goals:

  • heal my heart;
  • find a job which I will enjoy and love, that will help me to develop myself in an effective  way;
  • move abroad (i consider couple of countries) and adapt;
  • make final decision about our divorce, build relations with a man which will make me happy and who I will make happy back;
  • find new friends, improve connection with old ones;
  • start doing yoga again;
  • be more harmonic with myself and world;
  • learn to play saxophone;
  • develop myself in psychology field (my hobby);
  • make my English perfect (hate doing mistakes, but I’m learning all the time);
  • go to psychologist (?).

It’s a short-term goals. When I reach them I will make long-term goals list.

Wish me luck :)!