A girl from the bus

Today I had great evening with a girl that I met in the bus :). We met some time ago, she just started talking to me, I talked back, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet. I love meeting new people and usually I’m the one who talks to people first, so it was a very pleasant surprise for me. I always was wondering, why if somebody somehow is interesting for us we can’t just show our interest to unknown people because it’s something that “normal” people don’t do. Usually everybody just concentrated on own problems and is not suppose even to look at peoples faces more than one second because it can be misunderstood as rudeness or aggression.

So, we met today. Almost from very beginning I noticed that she was worried about something. I asked how was her day and she said: “it was confusing, there are some things that I need to understand but I just can’t”. I asked her if she wants to talk about it, she refused, and despite I was very curious and felt that she could use good conversation at that moment, I need to respect her personal space and I switched subject to usual getting to know routine.  We went to drink coffee, we have this amazing places with different kinds of coffee and tea, including various mixes coffee with alcohol. There was some weirdness of strangers talk between us, but I was fascinated by process of getting to know her and listening to her view of things. I love active listening, they say that every person most of all likes talking about himself/herself, but for me it looks like I’m more interested in listening, observing, letting person to say what he/she needs to say. It’s really a pleasure for me. Of course only if person is interesting for me somehow, though I understand that everybody has something special. So, I even didn’t notice how she started telling me what is bothering her. It’s amazing how people can become opened and I love this moment when you feel that they trust you. Her problem was concerning her boyfriend. She told me it quite detailed and while I was listening I saw exactly my story with my almost ex-husband on the beginning of our relationship. And for a moment I saw everything what is going on with her so clear, that I barely could stop myself from giving her advice. Part of me wanted to save her, part of me thought that I know what she is going through. But! I have no right to think even for a moment that I know her and her situation. It’s my experience and it has nothing to do with her. So, I just asked her questions that somebody had to ask me couple of years ago. If it helps her to understand what she wants, what she needs, I will be very happy. If not, I can do nothing about it, because everybody has own life and I have no right to pretend that I know what is better.

On my way home, when I was thinking about our meeting, I noticed that I know some things about her and she knows almost nothing about me. And I’m glad, it means that I was a good listener.  It’s not easy to find somebody who wants to listen to what we have to say and I’m happy that she found one.

For some reason, when I usually come back home from meeting with someone I feel more strong that I miss John. Maybe it’s because I still want to share with him my experiences as I used to do… Maybe because I feel more lonely.. I’m wondering what he is doing right now, if he can feel something.. We had this weird thing, we could feel each other without any communication, for example, I could have hair standing on ends a second before he called without knowing that he was going to..

p.s. also today when i was buying a wine I was asked for my id :). I didn’t have an id but I’ve managed to get a wine. Cheers :)

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Wait for me, and I’ll come back!

to Valentina Serova

Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait with all you’ve got!
Wait, when dreary yellow rains
Tell you, you should not.
Wait when snow is falling fast,
Wait when summer’s hot,
Wait when yesterdays are past,
Others are forgot.
Wait, when from that far-off place,
Letters don’t arrive.
Wait, when those with whom you wait
Doubt if I’m alive.Wait for me, and I’ll come back!
Wait in patience yet
When they tell you off by heart
That you should forget.
Even when my dearest ones
Say that I am lost,
Even when my friends give up,
Sit and count the cost,
Drink a glass of bitter wine
To the fallen friend –
Wait! And do not drink with them!
Wait until the end!

Wait for me and I’ll come back,
Dodging every fate!
“What a bit of luck!” they’ll say,
Those that would not wait.
They will never understand
How amidst the strife,
By your waiting for me, dear,
You had saved my life.
Only you and I will know
How you got me through.
Simply – you knew how to wait –
No one else but you.

1941

Konstantin Simonov

How???

How did I get here? I have broken heart and broken marriage. And even more, first not because of second.

Some time ago I thought I will be married one time, I will find man of my dreams and spend happy long life with him. Where did it go? How did it happen? When I met my husband I was impressed how much in common we have, I never met person that could understand me so good. We started dating, I fell in love, at least I thought so… When we started living together it looked natural to me. Though I remember being disappointed in love in some sense. I expected more, but I thought that it’s only because I created something in my head that could never exist. I always was a dreamer and I thought I felt this way only because I needed finally to face a reality.  On the other hand, I needed him, I felt good around him. Then we got married, because it was logical step. After living with him 4 years, I understand that I was happier before him. So was he. And as for me, I don’t need anything else to define if we need to stay together or not. I’m not a person that can leave something so important in the middle. I tried a lot of times to make our family happy and I failed. One simple reason… For making family happy you need two people. And I was working alone. I talked to my husband many times about it and main answer that I got was that two people should just match, they should not change anything for being happy together. I believe that people should not change their life standpoints, their principles if they feel like keeping to them, but if one, for example, gets angry very easy and often, shouldn’t he change his behavior at least for himself?

Then I met John… We started talking and couldn’t stop. I never intended to have relations with him. He was far away, I had broken marriage… I didn’t need relations on that stage of my life. It appeared that John had unhappy marriage also. We were both very lonely and unhappy. We found in each other something that we couldn’t get anywhere… I fell in love..at least I thought so.. And finally I’m with broken heart. Alone… Lonely… I know that i need to see glass half full instead of empty, but now I can’t imagine trusting a man, after what happened with John… I can’t imagine even finding a man that will be right for me.

How people do it? How they find their “halves”? I don’t know even one really happy couple that lasted more than 2 years… But I know that somewhere should exist one.

Now I see love in different way. Love is not only strong physical and mental attraction. It’s not desire to share life together… It’s much more… It’s a feeling that growth from year to year, because of things that were overcame together, it’s admiration of each other because of seeing each other through life problems,  it’s strong desire to make each other happy that can’t die in 1 year, in 2, in 10… when people growth together, become more perfect, become better people because of each other… stronger, healthier, more spiritual… it’s when two people become one.. one team.. one heart.. and then it can’t be divided.. never……………..

Of course I can’t really define what is love… especially with words.. But it should be somewhere… Right?

Letting go

It’s already 2 months since i’m trying to move on. I can’t say that i’m hopeless, but i still can’t through him out of my head even for one hour… The thing is i don’t want to hate him… And more i try to understand and forgive him, more memories are popping up in my head… And harder it gets to forget about everything, don’t think about him… More i feel that i forgive him, more i feel that i still love him.. at least version of him that i knew before this mess. So, now i’ve got dilemma.  Looks like i have to choose to hate him or to love on this stage. And i have never hated before, i have no desire to carry this feeling with me because this way i will make worse to myself first of all… I need to kill all love related feelings also because he made his choice, he showed clearly that he can’t make it happen though he promised a lot of times that he will do everything for us being together… So, I’m confused…

Love?

Maybe it’s too pathetic to have first post about love.. but i have what i have… It’s my current stage and i think maybe getting this out of my head will help me to get it over with…

Have you ever been betrayed by person that you loved and who “loved” you? He/she told you that you are most important person in this world for him, that he will never hurt you, never let you go… That his love is bigger than Milky way, bigger than quantity of all drops of rain… And then in one moment he just gave up on doing things that had to be done for getting together.  He just decided to erase you from his life and even haven’t told about it. When you spoke with him in couple of months he said he almost got over it… Is it love? How can it be? You love person, you plan future together, he tells you that he is ready to die for you and then he just doesn’t feel strong enough to overcome some things that need to be solved..  Is it possible to love person and decide to give up on everything and after that be afraid to tell her? And just let her to be in uncertainty and suffer alone? Isn’t it stupid?