I’m here

I can’t tell what is happening in my life and where I dissapeared. I don’t know actually. But I can tell you that I’m happier than I was. I enjoy so much having a “normal” job, new friends, colleagues, new surrounding. Everything is so interesting and fresh.

I can’t really explain even to myself what is going on in my life. I can’t define feelings, thoughts. It’s completely new. It’s not good and not bad. That’s just the way it is. On the other hand, I feel that I’m more aware of what I want and what I do.

I travel much more. I visit one new town per month in my home country and even hope to go abroad for a couple of days in May. I’m about to build my plans for longer period than couple of months and I’m not afraid anymore of undefined state of my life.

And one more thing :). When I came into the town where I live now I had no joy from living here. It may be because of winter, though I love snow, may be because of my state. But actually it doesn’t matter why, now I see it completely different. It’s so charming. I love this city, really. And I want to share a couple of pictures with you. Enjoy :)

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p.s. If you want to visit my city, just drop me a line and I will be your guide :). It’s somewhere in Europe, I can give you details privately.

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You make mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you.

It’s official. An end to very challenging period of my life. Don’t take me wrong I love challenges, but I don’t like losing my balance and I certainly didn’t expect everything that happened. The worst thing about it was losing  control over my life, crises in almost all areas (except health), broken heart, trust and faith in bright future (for some time).

Positive consequences/realizations:

  • I figured out what was wrong with all my love relationship in the past. It’s definitely huge;
  • I finally realized what I should do with my professional life. It’s tricky to reach it, but I’m ready to work hard and I believe that I will get everything I need along the way;
  • I appreciate much more everything I have in life and I don’t take for granted ability to provide for myself;
  • I take responsibility for my life and I realize that everything I have has nothing to do with actions of others, if I happened to be in a hard situation I definitely did something for getting there;
  • Everything is temporary. I never know what tomorrow brings and I’m learning to accept this. I’m also learning to live in a moment (make detailed plans on the other hand), appreciate things that I have even more, chances that I get and possibilities to make my life the way I want;
  • I’ve learnt a lot about forgiveness;
  • I realized that one can’t be happy if one lives only for his/her own sake. I never lived only for myself, but I didn’t know how deep this rule is;
  • My past doesn’t define my future. There is always the possibility for positive change;
  • Peace comes from within, it is useless to seek it elsewhere;
  • Two people should be happy with their lives to be able to build healthy relationship;
  • Love is not an emotion, it is so much more.

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.” ~ Samuel Johnson

Dancing in the rain

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

I’m back. I missed you all and I’m glad I have possibility to write again!

If you remember I was going to risk a bit for a sake of moving to another country. I was going to move out from my apartment, take all my stuff and go to another town for taking my visa without even knowing if it’s issued. Next day I was going to have a flight. But as always you never can predict all possible ways. Invitation that I needed for applying for visa didn’t came in time, it was sent by overnight express, but instead of getting here in 2 days it took 6 days :). It traveled almost all Europe and by tracking system after delivering to my country even came back to the previous country. How many more signs do I need :)? So, I let go this opportunity and stay here for a while.

I moved to another town, that’s why I was absent for a while. Here I have much better work and life opportunities. And I’m happy that I finally move forward, I’m happy that I moved out from the apartment where I have so much memories connected to John and where I was stuck for a while. I still need to live with Andrew because of money issues, but as soon as I get new job and have stable income nobody can stop me :).

I have some things to learn why I’m still living with him though. Like how not to be upset when he is aggressive and negative. Some while ago in such kind of situations I would join him and become aggressive myself, now I learned how to recognize first impulse to switch to this wave. It’s an amazing feeling when you stop and understand that there is no sense for arguing, when you stop emotions and see everything clearly. When you are emotional you see that you are right, that somebody is offending you and you need to fight for it, but when your mind is clear you see someones pain, and when this person is screaming at you, you see that he/she is in pain. That this person is hurting… And you see that topic of arguing is usually empty, it’s all about something different, deeper. And sometimes you just want to hug this person and say that everything is going to be alright, that I hear you.

But my problem is that I’m getting upset in such kind of situations and I would like to learn how to handle it better. Because if somebody is choosing to be negative, to be aggressive, why should I let myself down. It’s my life and if I choose to be happy today, I can do it. Everything is irrelevant. My problems, almost all everyday problems are stupid. They don’t worth even mentioning. Because tomorrow they won’t matter at all, they are small and insignificant. I read “Experiences in a Concentration Camp” by Viktor Frankl yesterday. Everyone should read this book in my opinion. Comparing to what he describes my problem of not having a job and living with person I don’t really want to live with is so stupid. Really. I can change my life every moment, I have so many possibilities to do it and all I need is time. I’m healthy, smart, young and free. What do I need more?

I know that tomorrow I may think different for some time and maybe I’ll be upset over something stupid, but it is direction to move to, it is something I want to reach. It’s a process, I get that. My goal is to be happy without depending on external circumstances, to be happy just because I have new brand day every morning and I’m alive.

The sight of the stars makes me dream…

I mentioned before (https://whiteeecrow.wordpress.com/2010/11/07/finally/) that I was about to refuse one of offers for “moving abroad”. But when we started talking with employee, everything got sorted out and we decided to proceed. So, in two weeks I should be there. Of course there are a lot of difficulties, for example I need to move out from apartment and with all my baggage go to another town where I need to pick up my visa and till that moment I don’t even know if it is issued :). No way to do it differently. And next day I already have a flight… So, if something goes wrong, it leaves me in another town, with all my baggage and without apartment. But you know what? I don’t care. I decided that in case some problems appear, I will just stay in that town or move to another one, anyway I have no reason to come back here (I wasn’t going to live here for long time).  I’m considering it like a small adventure. There is no reason to worry, because it won’t help, but it can take away part of my life where I can be happy.

I’m glad that soon I will start new period of my life, though old one was full of useful experiences, it wasn’t easy time and it connected to John in my mind as it started with him and because of his presence in my life.

I couldn’t imagine half a year ago that I’ll be standing where I’m now and will be so calm about all uncertainty that waits me ahead. But we can’t control everything. And without it life would be probably boring.

p.s. I would appreciate if you send me some positive energy “for luck” :)

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” ~Vincent van Gogh

Finally!

Next week is going to be exciting. I had two opportunities for moving abroad. One of them I lost about a month and half ago, another one was so real, that I was starting to believe that it’s going to happen this time :). But during all visa preparation (mainly gathering of information, documents) other side (company of employer) doesn’t look serious at all, hasn’t been keeping agreements and I decided it’s too insane to lean on such people, so tomorrow I’m going to write that I’m refusing the offer. We’ll see what happens next.

After resolving all issues with the offer, I finally will be free to plan my future steps, not depending on anyone. It’s best thing ever. It’s one of the hardest things for me to depend on actions of somebody, to wait. Though I have been trying to move abroad for a couple of years now and I hoped for finally doing it now, I’m not disappointed. I believe I have better options ahead of me.

Last months have been really challenging. Aside my failed personal relationship with John, I lost my savings, again because of counting on him too much. It’s stupid to rely on somebody in all areas. Everyone is free and he/she can walk away every second and it’s ok. It’s a main point of freedom :). For same reason, I needed to work for some time at home. It’s another difficulty for me, because I need people around, I need actions, I’ve been feeling stuck here, like everything has stopped.

So, you can imagine how happy I’m! It’s finally going to change! After I deal with offer I mentioned I can start searching for a job here. I need to move to another town, but it’s not a problem. I can finally act! I haven’t decided exactly what job I want, but for some reason I believe that I will get my answer.

Have a great week!

To be or not to be?

I’ve been confused lately. More I think about my career, more I understand that I need to be psychologist. And if you take to consideration that I’m software developer, you will understand a root of my confusion.

I always was good at math, technical stuff and from early age I decided that I’m going to earn enough money for comfortable living – so I became a programmer. And to be honest, I’m quite good at programming, but I’m not passionate about it. I believe that to be a great at something you need to LOVE it. What I like about programming mostly that you are creating something from nothing, you can change it, make it as you see it, it’s like your child at some point. Programming is always challenging, it makes your brain work. But my problem is, I don’t see a lot of sense in technical progress. Of course it has a lot of benefits, but have people become happier, healthier? Ok, let’s say I will create a lot of wonderful programs, will it be really significant?!… Articles about finding your true calling say that you need to look at what you do in your free time. As soon as I leave work, I’m far from programming or reading about that. And if I want to be really good at it, I need to.

On the other hand, since I discovered psychology I have been passionate about it. I always was curious to get why I’m who I’m, why I behave in some way not another and why people around me do so. And more, I had couple of chances to help people with some deep problems (I’m not trying to play in psychologist, it was natural process) and I love this feeling, when you know that you make difference. Sometimes I feel so helpless when someone is suffering and I can’t do almost anything about it. Recently, when aunt of Andrew died, I wanted so much to be more helpful to his mother, who took it very hard, was depressed and lost…

What is making me think twice, I understand that psychology is very serious and responsible thing to practice. How can I know that I really have some natural skills to work in this field? It’s one thing to read books and try to use it in life, but to be psychologist is so much more. I’m very sensitive and compassionate to problems of others, will I be able to leave them at work? Will I be able to see positive things in every person and like everyone? Can I control my temper enough not to lose it in difficult situations?

For start, I decided to take child steps, try to get on deeper level. Then, if I want to change my career completely I need to study and work parallel, start everything from zero. It’s serious step to do. But isn’t it worth it? To do what you love and feel significant? Life is definitely short for doing something else.

Love letter to yourself

I’m currently reading  “No Matter What!” by Lisa Nichols. “Lisa Nichols is an expert lifecoach whose passion is to help others achieve peace and happiness”. One of book’s assignments is to write love letter to yourself. You should try, it will definitely bring some positive emotions and energy. First, ask yourself what would you write to your best friend to show him/her your love and respect. Then, put yourself on your best friend place and write letter to you.  Here is mine, just for example, maybe it will help to do yours:

Dear *****, I wanted to tell you one more time how much I love and respect you. I’m so thankful that you are in my life, I hope you don’t forget that. You are so strong and brave, you know how much I admire you! Very few people are not afraid to chase their dreams and you are among them. There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other. You belong to third type. I know that you had one of hardest times ever this summer. But it’s already behind you and I’m so proud of you for handling all your troubles so well. You always loved autumn, it’s great moment for a new start. Autumn will bring peace and harmony into your heart.. You know very good that all problems that you had, have made you who you are, and I love this person a lot. Everything is going to be great, I know it, because I know you! You deserve to have all the best and you will have it, I have no doubt about it! I love you and I’m always here for you, please don’t forget about it! It’s your time. The time to celebrate life!

Love,

*******.