Exactly half a year ago I’ve seen John last time. Everything that happened during this time had huge influence on me and I wouldn’t take it back, because today I’m different person and I really like who I am. Even more, now when I saw his “other” side, I can’t imagine myself with him, I’m happy that things didn’t go farther. But more I try to let go bad part between me and John, more I try to understand him, more good memories are popping up in my head… And I miss that guy that I knew. Today, when I came back home with Andrew I felt really great smell from kitchen. Last time when somebody cooked for us was last time when John was here. I don’t remember if I mentioned it before, Andrew liked John a lot back then and we spent amazing time all together (actually we never bonded with somebody so easy and so great). That smell brought up all feelings from that time. It’s hard when memories come as feelings, because then it’s not so easy to cut it as thoughts. I remember exactly that day when John was cooking for us. His flight was canceled and he stayed with us 3 days more, can you imagine how happy I was? 3 days.. eternity… To feel him around, to feel safe and in love… to feel childish happiness :).
Anyway I wouldn’t start relationship with him again. I can forgive him, but I don’t see him as a man anymore. Weird thing is.. that I want to help him. I was reading one book recently where author said that 40-42 years is very dangerous period and if person is truly unhappy it can lead to serious illness and even death. I could just leave it without attention, but this book came to me in right place in right time and a lot of things that were written there were connected to my unique life circumstances. And even more, couple of months ago John was seriously sick and doctors said that if he called an ambulance couple of minutes later he would die. And now his wife got into car accident and was seriously injured. To be honest, I don’t believe in accidents, so it made me think about all of this. But you really can’t help somebody if he doesn’t want to help himself.
Actually I got a letter from him recently, he says that he is trying to concentrate on business as much as possible and it helps him not to think about what he needs to be happy… But a lot of “wise” people say that one can’t be successful in business, if he is not successful in life. Personally, I don’t believe that one can “freeze” all personal problems, and reach goals in own business, because this mess will follow him/her everywhere, it’s inside of person. But we’ll see how story goes.