How???

How did I get here? I have broken heart and broken marriage. And even more, first not because of second.

Some time ago I thought I will be married one time, I will find man of my dreams and spend happy long life with him. Where did it go? How did it happen? When I met my husband I was impressed how much in common we have, I never met person that could understand me so good. We started dating, I fell in love, at least I thought so… When we started living together it looked natural to me. Though I remember being disappointed in love in some sense. I expected more, but I thought that it’s only because I created something in my head that could never exist. I always was a dreamer and I thought I felt this way only because I needed finally to face a reality.  On the other hand, I needed him, I felt good around him. Then we got married, because it was logical step. After living with him 4 years, I understand that I was happier before him. So was he. And as for me, I don’t need anything else to define if we need to stay together or not. I’m not a person that can leave something so important in the middle. I tried a lot of times to make our family happy and I failed. One simple reason… For making family happy you need two people. And I was working alone. I talked to my husband many times about it and main answer that I got was that two people should just match, they should not change anything for being happy together. I believe that people should not change their life standpoints, their principles if they feel like keeping to them, but if one, for example, gets angry very easy and often, shouldn’t he change his behavior at least for himself?

Then I met John… We started talking and couldn’t stop. I never intended to have relations with him. He was far away, I had broken marriage… I didn’t need relations on that stage of my life. It appeared that John had unhappy marriage also. We were both very lonely and unhappy. We found in each other something that we couldn’t get anywhere… I fell in love..at least I thought so.. And finally I’m with broken heart. Alone… Lonely… I know that i need to see glass half full instead of empty, but now I can’t imagine trusting a man, after what happened with John… I can’t imagine even finding a man that will be right for me.

How people do it? How they find their “halves”? I don’t know even one really happy couple that lasted more than 2 years… But I know that somewhere should exist one.

Now I see love in different way. Love is not only strong physical and mental attraction. It’s not desire to share life together… It’s much more… It’s a feeling that growth from year to year, because of things that were overcame together, it’s admiration of each other because of seeing each other through life problems,  it’s strong desire to make each other happy that can’t die in 1 year, in 2, in 10… when people growth together, become more perfect, become better people because of each other… stronger, healthier, more spiritual… it’s when two people become one.. one team.. one heart.. and then it can’t be divided.. never……………..

Of course I can’t really define what is love… especially with words.. But it should be somewhere… Right?

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2 thoughts on “How???

  1. Irina says:

    I understand.
    I do not have an experience in terms of relationships, but I agree and see what you say. yes, love is much higher than what we think it is. Neither I can’t define it, but is a light of your heart, light that someone else may see and want to sahre. Of course, it is somewhere, traveling alone, hiding in the clouds, crying silently…

    • whiteeecrow says:

      Thank you, Irina. I appreciate your thoughts a lot.

      Since I wrote this post I’ve discovered some new things for me.
      1. One really should fix all internal problems first, become truly happy (not to search it outside, but to find it inside) and then when he/she has a lot of things to GIVE without expectations, without trying to own another person, desire to share happiness then this person can start a relationship with someone who wants to GROW TOGETHER.
      2. Love is not a feeling, it’s ENERGY and love is not coming from nowhere, we are creators of love.
      3. Though it was a really hard time for me, I wouldn’t take it back if I could, because of all things that it has made me understand. I believe that now I much better understand myself and how I need to build relationship.

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